Greensboro, NC News & Record "The Joke's On You" Contest

Cartoon for December 25, 2009 & January 1, 2010

Got a good mention in the paper today (1/8/10) from Tim Rickard for my win in Roger Ebert's Great Limerick Contest:

Congrats to our own Ken Sheldon, Jokes On You’s poet laureate, for winning Roger Ebert’s limerick contest! And one of his submitted poems was even a JOU original! Do yourself a favor and check out Ken’s poems on the blog. (Keep watching here for a sampling of Mr. Sheldon's JOU poetry in a few weeks.)

As for the cartoon - the instructions for this week were: "Take one last shot at any news/cultural item from the last year/decade." so my captions were more commenting on events of the last year, especially the limerick.  Two out of five captions made the top of the blog along with the limerick (an epic this week) and the psychic entry.

PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
Let’s see… Beer? Check. Nachos? Check. Remote control? Check. Wife at mother’s? Check. LET THE FOOTBALL BEGIN!!!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCES
They came out with a new drug called Aciphex. I wonder if they were watching the campfire scene in “Blazing Saddles” when they thought of that name.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEM(S)
Once a beauty queen we knew as Carrie
Got a question that one might call scary
From a judge, Perez Hilton,
Who sent her hopes wiltin’:
“Should folks of like gender get married?”

“Only woman should marry a man!”
That reply, Perez Hilton would pan.
He would turn his thumbs down,
Which would cost her the crown.
It was then that her troubles began.

Yes, the Donald agreed with her stance,
And said she should get just one more chance
When some photos got viewed
Where she posed semi-nude.
Well, at least she had kept on her pants!

California, to action they jumped,
And Miss Prejean was rapidly dumped.
Though she had his support,
Carrie’s reign, it was short.
It’s the one time the Donald got trumped.

Some may say to themselves, “What’s the deal?
What’s been going on is quite surreal!”
It is hard to recall
Before Carrie’s big fall
That she lost to a native Tarheel!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS (our judges also gave the nod to these)
Now I’ve seen it all. Tiger Woods was caught with Octomom in a runaway balloon.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
It was strange how quickly "Jon & Kate Plus 8" turned into "Jon & Kate Plus Hate."
Ken Sheldon, Elon

In this week's vein for Brewster Rockit:
Mine was wonderful! Have a great year!*
*Kid, you're SO screwed!
Ken Sheldon, Elon



Starting in 2009, we no longer are wearing robes. This is really a Snuggie.
Ken Sheldon, Elon


Cartoon for December 18, 2009

I thought this week's cartoon was a little limiting, so I only submitted four regular captions. I did get runner up with a total of 2 out of four making the top of the blog along with the limerick. I entered a psychic entry, but that didn't get recognized. 

RUNNERS-UP
So, next year, do we tell them we’re really Jewish?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST INSIDE JOKE
I hope we won’t have to return anything to Gal-mart. There’s been a lot of strange looking customers there lately.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEM(S)
Although glee, Christmas morn will provoke,
There’s concern, and it isn’t a joke.
When I checked our account
For its balance amount,
Tommy’s train isn’t all that is broke.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
Dear, it's 3:15 in the morning. Let's go back to bed.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
(This actually happened!)

Your gift from the kids is in there somewhere. I think it's a tie.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I don't care if you WERE married on Christmas Day. We don't exchange new husbands here.
Ken Sheldon, Elon (This was my psychic entry)


Cartoon for December 11, 2009

Got a notice from Tim Rickard for my being a finalist in Roger Ebert's Great Limerick Contest:

And congrats to JOUs own poet laureate, Ken Sheldon, for making the finals in Roger Ebert’s limerick contest. Hopefully, we can still vote. Here’s the web address:
http://blogs.suntimes.com/ebert/final-voting-round-in-the-grea.html

As far as the regular contest here, 4 of 8 made the top of the blog along with the limerick and psychic entry.



PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
Just what I wanted! A Winky action figure!!! Hey! Where’s his spleen?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCES
It’s from the Duggars and Octomom. They don’t like us competing with them.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST INSIDE JOKE
Didn’t you pay the bill from Dr. Tribbett?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

“Christmas is MY season. Stay out of “The Joke’s On You” until Easter, or else! Signed, Santa”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST/WORST PUN
(Hands down)
I’m warren you. Move out of hare and no bunny gets hurt.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEM(S)
Sometimes grudges are nasty to fix.
That poor rabbit has taken some licks.
For some fifty-five years,
Kids have brought him to tears
Since with him, they’re not sharing their Trix.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
It's from Mrs. Sheldon: "STAY OUT OF MY FLOWERS!!!"
Ken Sheldon, Elon

It's from the henhouse again. They want me to leave their eggs alone.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

It's from a window repair shop.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

The field mice have called the Good Fairy. They don't like me bopping them on their heads.
Ken Sheldon, Elon


Cartoon for December 4, 2009

This was one of those cartoons where I thought I wasn't going to get much, and then as the week progressed, ideas would come. The result:  another good week - made the paper as a runner up, along with 6 other captions, the limerick and 2 psychic entries making the top of the blog.

RUNNERS-UP
Face it. Someday, Mary’s going to figure out you ate her pet.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
Do you think he’d get all those women if he went by his real name, “Eldrick”?
I don’t know about you, but all this stuff about Tiger Woods makes me long for the good ol’ days of Michael Jackson.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCES
Don’t you think Sam’s on to you?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
hello Ralph.
hello Sam.


BEST INSIDE JOKE
I’d tell you what you’re supposed to say, but Agent X told me it was classified information.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

MATURE
I didn’t know you were a cross-dresser.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST/WORST PUN
Ralph? Is that ewe?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Don’t tell me... The police are looking for you and you’re going on the lamb?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I think someone’s pulling the wool over your eyes.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEM(S)
Big Bad really is earning his keep.
Today he’s all dressed up like a sheep.
Last week he made it big
Getting two little pigs.
Now he’s looking for Little Bo Peep.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
I think a Snuggie looks better on you.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Frankly, I'd feel kinda sheepish wearing that.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I see you got your costume for the Christmas pageant.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

If you get one, don't forget to pick up some mint jelly.
Ken Sheldon, Elon


Cartoon for November 27, 2009

Good week this week. Got a runner up along with getting my two psychic entries in the top of the blog. This week, instead of writing a limerick or two, I did a takeoff on "'Twas a Night Before Christmas" about the cartoon. One of four made the top of the blog.

RUNNERS-UP
I had to fight off three nuns and a preacher, but I got the last “Peace on Earth” wall hanging.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
Sorry guys. Because of the demand for handheld electronics, Santa’s moving the shop to Mexico.
Ken Sheldon, Elon (This was in reference to Dell pulling their factory out of Winston-Salem and moving to Mexico because of the demand for laptops)

This just in: Tiger Woods ticketed for jaywalking. Details at 6:00, 7:00, 8:00, 9:00, 10:00 and 11:00. Also, playing all weekend: our special investigative report: “Tiger Woods: What’s His Hurry?” 
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEM
A Visit to the Mall

‘Twas a day past Thanksgiving, I woke from a snore.
The clock on the dresser said quarter to four.
My wife and I both wiped the sleep from our eyes
As we set out to find us a Christmas surprise.

I’d heard from some friends, “Man, you really should try it.
The prices are so low it causes a riot.
Compared to the other days, everything pales. ”
So we made our way to the Black Friday sales.

We got in the car and we drove out the drive.
I joked, “Do you think that we’ll get back alive?”
But my wife did not speak as she studied her list.
“We will get every item!” she silently hissed.

“Your brother: a watch, for my mother: a dress.
Your father would like a brand new GPS.”
For the kids, every parent I know would agree.
They are asking for games they can play on a Wii.”

As I played with the radio, holiday spirit
Came musically nearer to all who could hear it:
The tunes through the years that we all know so well,
Like the Singing Dogs barking the tune “Jingle Bells.”

When we pulled in the parking lot, to my dismay,
The first open spot was a mile away.
We hiked to the entrance, and what did I see?
But folks who had camped out. They’re sicker than me!

They’d been there for hours, some others for days,
Each hoping for buys in the Black Friday craze.
From the look that I got from them, I got a sign
That we should retreat to the end of the line.

We got to the back and then looked ‘round the place.
It was like we were running a marathon race. 
The doors were burst open, the crowd surged inside.
“Let’s look for the GPS,” we both decide.

As part of the Black Friday shopping crowd masses
We walked as if stuck in a pool of molasses.
At last we arrived at the Radio Shack
Where we found a new GPS ‘way in the back.

My wife turned and said, “I am going in for it.
With prices like these, it is hard to ignore it.”
The instant she touched it, she almost got crushed
As the shoppers around to that GPS rushed. 

The crowd swept upon her like schools of piranha
And I really thought my poor wife was a goner.
They pushed and the shoved in, all trying to reach her.
And one of them was our son’s Sunday School teacher!

I helplessly watched, quite unsure what to do,
As she came from the scrum sans her bra and a shoe.
Although battered and bruised, with her sweats ripped and torn,
She held the thing tight, to the shoppers’ deep scorn.

Then waiting at check-out to pay for our prize,
The lines were so long. It’s a place I despise.
The time that I’m waiting, I really do dread it.
I’m hoping our purchase won’t max out our credit.

When we returned home at last, almost intact,
My poor wife had abrasions and eyes colored black.
“Don’t you worry,” she said. “Though I really am fine,
I’ve decided next year we are shopping on-line.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

Other Entries
Watching Tommy take his Karate lessons really paid off!
Ken was right last week!
Ken Sheldon, Elon (The second was in reference to my hitting the Psychic Entry on the nose)

Let's see... while camping out at Super Buy.tent: $150, portable grill: $20. Food: $30, sleeping bag: $50. But I DID save $100 on a new video game system.
Ken Sheldon, Elon


Cartoon for November 20, 2009

Pretty good week - two of seven made the top along with the limerick. And, I got a direct hit on the psychic entry.


BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCES
At least it was quick. Back in 1945 when they did that to Mike the Chicken, he lived another year and a half.
Ken Sheldon, Elon (You mean you've never heard of Mike the Headless Chicken? Check it out here!)

BEST/WORST PUN
He was the baste friend a guy could have.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEM(S)
Rest in peace, dear old Tom, rest in peace.
May our mem’ries of you never cease.
May you leave quite a mark
With your meat, white and dark
At the heart of our Thanksgiving feast.

Once Ben Franklin had said, “Make it legal.
Since the turkey is really quite regal,
That’s our national bird.”
Though it sounds so absurd,
If he won, we’d be feasting on eagle.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
With all these crowds, they should call it “Black and Blue Friday.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Next Week's Cartoon:

Other Entries
Poor Tom. Didn't get the pardon from the President.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

He looks so...juicy!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I knew he was a goner when that pop-up timer popped.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Why is he wearing a pumpkin head and a furry, red coat?
Ken Sheldon, Elon (Not an inside joke???)



I think putting the bag of giblets in the casket was kinda gross.
Ken Sheldon, Elon


Cartoon for November 13, 2009

This week's was tough - not only for me but the other entrants as well. One out of three made the top along with the psychic and limerick.

PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
You thought Springsteen yelling “Hello, Ohio!” in Michigan was funny? During the Journey concert in September, the lead singer for Night Ranger said he was glad to be in Greensboro, North Dakota. At least The Boss wasn’t off by fourteen hundred miles.
Ken Sheldon, Elon (This is absolutely true!)

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCES
Well, Mr. Darwin. We’re checking your references. How do you know Eliza Thornberry?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEM
PETA’s point, they have gotten across.
“Tests on chimps are all wrong!” said their boss.
Revlon hates that decree:
They can no longer see
Bonzo wearing mascara and gloss.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
We're looking to write some Shakespeare. Can you type?
Don't worry. We'll train you.

Ken Sheldon, Elon (I really liked the Shakespeare one)


Cartoon for November 6, 2009

I've found the last few cartoons tougher to work with, so I don't put in as many entries. Two of four made the top along with the limerick and psychic entry.

PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
No, we’re not turning the basement into a swimming pool! Now come help me with this sump pump.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST INSIDE JOKE
You know, Timmy, maybe you can sell some of your cartoons and buy a bike.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I can dream, can’t I?

BEST POEM
“Come and play with me, Jimmy,” said Carrie.
“Let’s pretend that we’re both getting married.
You’re the groom. I’m the bride.
You can give me a ride.”
In his wagon of red she was ferried.

Jimmy said to her, “Come up and see
The cool house that I have in a tree.”
But while climbing the oak,
Jimmy’s ladder, it broke
And poor Carrie fell, skinning her knee.

On the ground, Carrie still kept her poise.
She’s not crying in front of the boys.
She’s still playing, of course.
Now she’s playing ‘Divorce,’
And she went home with half of his toys.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS
I don’t know where that dent came from…
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
Where are the seat belts?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I'm sorry, Billy. I'm just not that kind of girl.
Ken Sheldon, Elon 


Cartoon for October 30, 2009

Didn't submit many captions, but got a good turn-out. 2 of four captions, the limerick and psychic entry made the top of the blog.

PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
No, Josh. Candy Corn is not considered a vegetable. Eat your beets.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
It’s nothing, Mrs. Howard. I’m sure Scott will be fine in the morning.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST INSIDE JOKE
I know a specialist who deals with your kind of case. His name is Dr. Tribbett.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEM
To the vet, wolf man’s mother is heading.
It’s not howling at moon’s that she’s dreading.
She goes on to explain
That he needs some Rogaine
Since she hates to clean up from his shedding.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
My advice to you, ma'am, is to take two wolfsbane and call me in the morning.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

On the bright side, Jack could become the host of "The Midnight Special."
Ken Sheldon, Elon


Cartoon for October 23, 2009

Although I didn't make the paper, I had a pretty good week. Four out of six made the top of the blog along with the limerick and the psychic entry.

PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
“Speaking of cars, let me tell you about my new two-wheeled scooter I stand on to ride.” “Nice segue.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
I’m sorry, Mr. Heston. I liked you better in “Ben-Hur.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I’m Detective Mahoney from the Cairo PD. We need to talk to you down at the station. (Exodus 2:11-15)
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST INSIDE JOKE
I’m sorry, Moses. You’re too late to submit captions for this week’s contest.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I get them all but number 11: “Thou shalt not Twitter while in Limbo.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEM
That young girl on that show who had cried ‘ll
Say her love for Sanjaya’s more bridled.
Though her tears flowed a-plenty,
In Exodus twenty
It says not to worship false idols.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
Do you see smoke on that mountain? You didn't just leave that bush burning, did you?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

All you got was a bunch of rules? Couldn't you get a road map or a GPS?
Ken Sheldon, Elon


Cartoon for October 16, 2009

After nine months, I came through with my third win! This was a special where you could either submit a caption or caption and art. I submitted two pictures along with eight captions, four made the top of the blog along with the limerick and the psychic entry.

PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
Is this Richard Heene? We’ve seen your work and think you’d be perfect to coordinate the special effects for our current project – a remake of “Plan 9 From Outer Space.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST INSIDE JOKE
Let’s see… a fire hydrant talking to a garbage can… nah, just did that… two golf balls... nah, I’ve done that one too… How about two mailboxes?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
And I do mean BEST

You’ve gotta be kidding. A limerick about a washer talking to a dryer?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
(Fun fact – The Thinker was originally called The Poet.)

BEST POEM
Thought the Thinker, “It’s driving me buggy.
I’m okay when the weather is muggy.
But Rodin wasn’t bright
Since I sit out all night.
What I really need now is a Snuggie.”

Ken Sheldon, Elon

MATURE (actually, scatological)
I REALLY shouldn’t have eaten that whole bag of bran muffins!
Ken Sheldon, Elon


The captions with art added are at this link: http://webmedia.news-record.com/legacy/indepth/09/jokesonyou_102309/ Mine are #1 and 17

Other Entries
Darn. Where did I put that remote?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Boy, that was some party last night! Now, if I could only remember what happened...
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Brains... Brains...
Ken Sheldon, Elon

...must not forget our wedding anniversary's tomorrow...
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Hmmm...was Kanye West right about Beyonce's video?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

That’s the LAST time I go trick-or-treating as Michelangelo’s David!

Ken Sheldon, Elon


Cartoon for October 9, 2009

With this week's cartoon, you just knew the puns were going to abound. They did. One out of six made the top of the blog along with the limerick and psychic entry.

PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
As part of the settlement for originally failing to recognize Paul Anka as co-writer of the title track of the Michael Jackson compilation album “This Is It”, Sony has agreed to add two original Anka tracks to the album: “Puppy Love” and “(You’re) Having My Baby.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST INSIDE JOKE
Are you done with that Snuggie? Tim needs it for Monday.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Yes, please hurry. (See Brewster Rockit on 10/19 for the resolution of this one...)

BEST POEM
“It’s a fact!” said our youngest son, Matt.
“When you’re cleaning a shirt or a hat,
Use the washer and drier.
They’re great for attire.
Don’t try them when washing the cat.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
When I was a kid, my mom used it every time I swore, so I just got used to the taste.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

No, I'm not up for a game of May-tag.
Today I'm Bold, but yesterday I was just feeling Cheer-ful.
Oh yeah? Well you're just full of hot air!

Ken Sheldon (Going for puns - there were too many to list...)

Boy, I can't wait until that kid gets out of cloth diapers!
Ken Sheldon, Elon (A similar caption made the runner-up list)


Cartoon for October 2, 2009

I had a much better week - 4 of 6 captions made the top of the list along with the limerick and the psychic entry.

PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
“The Center for Disease Control has announced the H1N1 flu pandemic is over, staved off mainly by the willingness of the population to repeatedly wash their hands to contain the spread of the virus. In other health news, psychiatrists around the country are reporting a spike in the number of cases of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, a symptom of which can be that the person affected repeatedly washes their hands.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
Doesn’t Oscar’s fur tickle?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST INSIDE JOKE
I’m getting worried. What was Rickard doing when he got the inspiration for us?
Ken Sheldon, Elon 

BEST POEM
Fire hydrants all feel so beat
Every time that a canine they meet.
They are constantly hopin’
Their valves would just open
And blast those mutts clear ‘cross the street.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST/WORST PUN
That’s just between you and me, okay? So keep a lid on it.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I guess with all the dogs in the neighborhood, you could call my brothers and me peons.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
You'd be a much better athlete if you didn't do so much trash talking.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I was originally a part of the "Two Guys Named Chris" logo, but I got cut.
Ken Sheldon, Elon