March 2017

March 1, 2017 - Ever wonder why they didn't fix Y2K sooner?

Lots of programmers looked for a fix
When the twenty-ninth, systems would nix.
Was this glitch unforeseen?
Now we're all stuck between
A big rock and Y two to the sixth.

March 2, 2017 - They make the big bucks -- and the big boo-boos

Where's our files? It just does not compute!
Should our boss give Nanette a swift boot?
We could see where she tripped -
'Twas a space in her script.
We're just glad she's not sudo'ed as root!

March 3, 2017 - "Trusted," redefined

What he saw set the fish on a mission.
"All those brokers can set their commission?
Something seems quite unjust."
"Oh, those guys we can trust."
To find answers, he soon went a-fishin'.

On a whim he goes back for three years
Which confirms everything the fish fears.
In one year, the group sucks
Away five million bucks.
You might think that this news would bring cheers.

Since they're on to the brokers' bad tricks,
Self-reporting commissions get nixed?
When the fish had gone back
And commissions he'd track.
'Twasn't five million, now it was six!

He's a contractor. What can he say?
It's not his call to calculate pay.
While their plot he'd unmask,
Is it too much to ask,
Could they please send a little his way?

Sharky surfaces with true tales of Shark Tank

As a joke, I could write something snarky
Or perhaps a huge bunch of malarkey.
But instead let us thank
The guy writing the Tank.
Raise a tall one to our Yoda, Sharky!!!

March 6, 2017 - In fairness, there probably WAS a reason...

'Twas a really strange tech support call.
"Your printer's not plugged in. That's all..."
What's the lady's reply?
"How 'bout finding out why?"
'Twas pushed out by the mice in the wall.

March 7, 2017 - Not the kind of commitment she was looking for

"We must have full commitment!" she'd preach.
I replied, "There's that class that I teach!
You were told all along!"
For me, this job was wrong,
So I tore out of there with a screech.

March 8, 2017 - Because really, what could go wrong?

Those call survey results, suits all need them.
What they did really seemed to impede them.
What that group sure abhors
Are those really bad scores.
They can't get them if no one can read them.

March 9, 2017 - Why we still do deskside visits

Of their mice they'd occasionally bicker
When they all tried to click on their clicker.
Since its cause they can't find,
Something soon came to mind:
Was their shop near a store that sold liquor?

When I stopped by, I earned lots of praise
One might say in the strangest of ways.
As I checked out the mice,
There were entries there twice.
So I took out a few double A's.

March 10, 2017 - But everything's a lot faster nowadays, right?

"It was strange," wrote this Shark Tank reporter,
"When we tried to control a check sorter.
Techs declared, 'What the heck?
What is wrong? Wait a sec...'
Problem is, we'd just wait for a quarter."

March 13, 2017 - So by definition it's a hardware problem, right?

'Twas this co-worker's big sticky wicket:
Flying bugs, like she worked in some thicket.
You just can not deny
Where she worked, you can't fly
Anywhere 'til you've first bought a ticket.

March 14, 2017 - Well, SOMEBODY'S unclear on the concept here...

Those requirements made the fish swear.
"Wear a hairnet when I've got no hair?
Terminate a Cat 5
Wearing gloves? It's no jive!
I'll just do it when nobody's there!"

March 15, 2017 - Duty bound

She won't fill out those forms? What on earth?
She would fight me for all that she's worth!
Though the suits poke and nudge,
Still this lady won't budge.
It's like watching giraffes giving birth.

While I worked on that many a day,
Still my project's not used. What the hey?!?
Though my work I'd adore,
I could make plenty more
Writing Cobol to fix Y2K.

March 16, 2017 - That's one way to get the contract...

The firm's regional suit just got caught
Charging mileage more than he ought.
From that excessive fee
He gave trips out for free.
Certain customers sure can be bought.

March 17, 2017 - Missing question #576: 'And when did this start?'

As a techie, I sprang into action.
A new bracelet would cause a reaction
Of a laptop lid closed.
It was one of those shows
Where the models were not the attraction.

March 20, 2017 - We call this game 'Buff the Blowhard'

All that boss's directions were lame.
"At the walk-through, you did sign your name?"
He said, "Yes, it is true."
Soon his nose quickly grew
And his pants swiftly burst into flame.

March 21, 2017 - Hey, if he can't even bother to use automation...

Does he work late? He likes to portray it.
Shoots the bull while he tries to convey it.
What's my method of how
Not to send email now?
I just simply have Outlook delay it.

March 22, 2017 - Another satisfied customer!

When I'd call, I would say, "This is wrong.
My system's legit all along!"
But my needs they can't meet
Since I tossed my receipt,
So I'm giving their software the gong.

RIP Chuck Barris: 1929 - 2017

March 23, 2017 - IT enough for ya?

Did his PC have some kind of flaw?
My response had got into his craw.
He replied, "That can't be!
That don't sound like IT.
It just sounds like you're practicing law!"

March 24, 2017 - He DID get it after the second time, though

'Twas an install that turned so bizarre
When in error I typed rm *
A good lesson I'd learned
When the tables were turned:
Making backups can make you a star.

March 27, 2017 - Well, he WAS a traveling salesman...

At first the link to the story didn't work. My poetic way of letting them know:

It is Monday, and right now I'm bored.
There's an issue that can't be ignored.
For it really did stink
When I clicked on its link
But instead I became 404'ed.

(When Rebecca Linke from CW read this, she let the programmers know about it, and shared the above rhyme with them too)
When the link finally worked:

When our company ran off the rails,
We all learned of some sordid details.
One guy'd get some most days
At sites two hours away,
And occasionally, make a few sales.

March 28, 2017 - New horizons in data appreciation

When I couldn't get the page again:

It is Tuesday, and right now I'm bored.
There's an issue that can't be ignored.
For it really does stink
When I clicked on this link
Once again I've become 404'ed

For today's Tank, I sat and I waited.
The link's hosed - a result that I hated.
That was not very nice.
I've been 404'ed twice.
Does that mean that I'm now 808'ed?

When it finally showed up:

Crunching numbers is one of your chores.
Those reports you will shoot out in scores.
You feel dirty? No way!
There may soon come the day
That the job that they lobby for's yours!

March 29, 2017 - It's just one feature. How long could it take?

What he asked of me caused me to flip.
"Make Utilities rent out a slip?"
What that CEO seeks
Must be done in two weeks?!?
I knew soon that I'd be in deep ship.

Version 1.0 - that one sure stunk.
For a year I had programmed and thunk.
Was that contract renewed?
It's not happening, dude.
Like Titanic, that module sunk.

March 30, 2017 - Now that's using mobile for REAL productivity

Productivity always seems fleeting
For each hour that I spend in a meeting.
Since most meetings are crap,
Our new PDA app
Is an app that I won't be deleting.

March 31, 2017 - Well, it certainly makes SOMETHING easier

I was freaking this guy like no other.
It was better than pranking my mother.
I'm the one being bold
Not that text I'd behold.
It's so fun to pretend I'm Big Brother!

Now the guy thought that something was stuck.
Why's his cursor now running amok?
When I made the mouse do
What I wanted it to,
All could hear him yell loudly, "OH @#$%!"

You know, @#$%! doesn't mean "What the heck."
There are ways we can keep you in check.
We will take you to school,
Make you look like a fool!
Here's our lesson: "DON'T MESS WITH A TECH!"