Greensboro, NC News & Record "The Joke's On You" Contest

June 19, 2020

BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
I wouldn't consider a Bullwinkle cartoon to be a training film.
Somewhere, Karen is crying over a puddle because of you.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEMS
This magician sure holds his art dear.
But his wife disapproves - that is clear.
He sure made her quite sick
Buying each magic trick
'Til he made all their cash disappear.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
You don't need to make rabbits appear. They do it well enough by themselves.
Don't you dare use that to make my mother disappear!
Ken Sheldon, Elon


June 12, 2020

RUNNERS-UP
I agree. That nutfinder app makes it so much easier.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEMS
Duke told Chippy, "No ifs, ands or buts.
We're now out of our food-finding ruts!
In these digital times
We buy acorns on line.
It's no wonder folks think we're all nuts."
Ken Sheldon

Other entry
Can you find a recipe for acorn butter?
Ken Sheldon, Elon


June 5, 2020

BEST POEMS
Said the King, "Merlin, I've got a notion -
Here's an idea for a new potion.
Just one sip, and it might
Make a chicken take flight.
We can call the stuff, 'Poultry in Motion'"
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
While us knights are quarantined, I took up wizardry.
Potion? What potion? This is soup from Costco.
Killiorum Covidillium!
Ken Sheldon, Elon


May 29, 2020

RUNNERS-UP
"He's in the low-budget witness protection program."
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST INSIDE JOKE
They caught him betting on "The Joke's On You."
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
He used to be a bad comic on The Gong Show.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEMS
It's a really strange personnel act:
Since this clerk with a customer cracked,
He's employed there no more,
And at this little store,
When you're sacked, you will really get sacked.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
Well, Walgreens was sold out of masks.
He used to be a bad comic on The Gong Show.
I told him he shouldn't use the hedge trimmer to cut his hair.
They caught him betting on "The Joke's On You."
Ken Sheldon, Elon


May 22, 2020

BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
So great-great-great-grandpa was in 'The Wizard of Oz?"
Ken Sheldon , Elon

BEST POEMS
Cherry lollipops - I've got a hunch
Boys and girls love to suck them a bunch.
Though it isn't a crime,
There is many a time
They'll be finished off by a big crunch.
Ken Sheldon, Elon 

Other Entries
I told him there was no Tootsie Roll center, but he didn't believe me.
They will take you for some kind of a sucker.
Ken Sheldon , Elon


May 8, 2020

RUNNERS-UP
It cant be me. Im brown, the hairball was black.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEMS
Today's trial didn't go quite as planned.
When they put a cat up on the stand,
He just sat there and purred.
He meowed not a word,
And ignored every single demand.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
Yeah, I killed that dirty rat. I'm a cat. It's my job.
You expect me to do what you ask? I'm a cat. Be serious.
...and then he said, "Hissssss".
He said it was the purr-fect crime.
Ken Sheldon, Elon


May 1, 2020

HONORABLE MENTIONS (Also getting votes from our judges)
"We need to talk about the company dress code."
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEMS
Said the manager, "Take my advice.
While an office job may appear nice,
For a centaur, it's wrong.
TV's where you belong.
You could star in those ads for Old Spice."
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
The CEO wants to enter you in the Kentucky Derby
Ken Sheldon, Elon

If I catch you horsing around again, you're fired.
I hear you and Jennifer were playing Lady Godiva in the lunchroom.
Ken Sheldon, Elon


April 24, 2020

HONORABLE MENTIONS (Also getting votes from our judges) 
It's OK - your ex is gone. 
Ken Sheldon, Elon 

BEST POEMS
With this ostrich's head in the sand, 
What her friend asked did not go as planned. 
"Are your eggs still around?" 
Since she can't hear a sound, 
She didn't say a word... 
Ken Sheldon, Elon 

Other Entries 
You do realize that we really don't actually do that... 
I do that when I hear those "20 ribeye steak for $30" commercials too. 
Ken Sheldon, Elon


April 17, 2020

HONORABLE MENTIONS (Also getting votes from our judges) 
There's nothing on. Let's split. 
Ken Sheldon, Elon 

BEST INSIDE JOKE 
I'm tired of all those news programs. Find a good Grey Poupon commercial. 
Ken Sheldon, Elon 

BEST POEMS 
In these uncertain times, we must try 
Social distancing, though some will cry. 
While it may sound quite mean, 
We wish COVID-19 
Could curl up in a ball and just die. 
Ken Sheldon, Elon 

Other Entries 
Hey look! We're on TV again!!! 
I wonder where all the baseball games are... 
The problem with the coronavirus is that it's missing the lime. 
Ken Sheldon, Elon


April 10, 2020

BEST INSIDE JOKE 
I guess Marvin was here. 
It's a recipe for ... Grey Poupon? 
Ken Sheldon, Elon 

BEST POEMS 
These two Martians do what their boss asks. 
They've got trouble with one of their tasks. 
Land on Earth? They don't dare 
Since they get quite the scare 
From the Earthlings all wearing their masks. 
Ken Sheldon, Elon 

Other Entries 
Odd - when I say "Take me to your leader," they laugh. 
It says "No intelligent life in D.C." Let's try here... 
Ken Sheldon, Elon

A Salute to Ken Sheldon 
To rhyme sublime many crave, 
And Sheldon would learn it's the rave. 
You'd see it on highways 
The back roads and byways, 
His first job was with Burma Shave! 
Mike Perry, Eden 


April 3, 2020

RUNNERS-UP
"Are you watching those disgusting molting videos again?"
Ken Sheldon, Elon

TIM'S PICK(S) My picks don't necessarily mean what should have won, or gotten a runner-up, it's just to spotlight what I think are good but over-looked captions.
That buzzing isn't in your hard drive, it's you.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

THE LIMERICK
Social distancing now is the norm.
Even insects will try to conform.
On line's how to be seen
All through COVID-19.
It's sure hard when you're part of a swarm.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
What is the latest news on the "Raid" pandemic?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

There's a human in your program and you can't find it?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I think you've been playing on-line chess a little too long.
So, which cow pie are you eating at tonight?
Can you help me get onto your WiFli?
Ken Sheldon, Elon