Greensboro, NC News & Record "The Joke's On You" Contest

March 27, 2020

 


March 20, 2020

HONORABLE MENTIONS (also getting a vote from the judges)
“Mom, can I go play in the driveway?”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEMS
At the schools, the supplies there all moan,
Since for weeks, they'll be left there alone.
They must all be confused
Since they're not being used
With the teachers and kids stuck at home.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
I wonder how many people first thought we were cheese sticks.
I won't get any shorter, since they're putting in white boards.
Ken Sheldon, Elon


March 13, 2020

RUNNERS-UP
"With COVID-19 going around, everyone's home and I can't do my job!"
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST INSIDE JOKE
I'm wondering how Tim's going to get everyone together to judge this week's "Joke's On You."
..and all they had left on the shelves was a single bottle of Grey Poupon...
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEMS
Asked the therapist, "What do you mean
That a thief like you's really quite clean?"
"Social distance applied,
Wearing gloves," he replied,
"So I can't contract COVID-19"
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
I have trouble trusting people like me.
I'm afraid of the light.
I'm wondering how Tim's going to get everyone together to judge this week's "Joke's On You."
..and all they had left on the shelves was a single bottle of Grey Poupon...
Ken Sheldon, Elon

In my line of work, social distancing is NOT a problem.
On any given night, ten cars is my limit.
Well, wearing black does help hide the dirt.
Since I'm a cat burglar, I do have a natural fear of dogs.
Ken Sheldon, Elon


March 6, 2020

BEST POEMS
Eve said, "Please get on line for me, Adam."
He replied, "Tell me what you want, madam."
Eve said, "Could you please look
For a snake charming book?"
"I would get one if Amazon had 'em."
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
Why order apples when we have perfectly good ones here?
I was hoping you'd find some hula skirts.
I'd think some snakeskin boots would be a bit of revenge.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I guess you can order some ribs - I know you're short one.
Ken Sheldon, Elon


February 28, 2020

BEST POEMS
In this year full of constant campaigning,
Accusations, slung mud and complaining,
A debate which is where
Goldilocks and a bear
Would square off would be more entertaining.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
A good security system would have stopped her cold.
Again the youth suffer the results of the older generation's decisions.
She deserves the bears' stuff? She must like Bernie...
Where were her parents while all this happened?
Sounds like breaking and entering to me...
Ken Sheldon, Elon

The Masked Singer's producers put this on? I bet the bear's Bernie.
They're the only two they could find to run for office.
Ken Sheldon, Elon


February 21, 2020

WOWZERS! Strong showing this week - Got the win, two honorable mentions and the limerick made the paper.

WINNER 
"Has anybody seen Myspace?" 
Ken Sheldon, Elon 

HONORABLE MENTIONS (also getting a vote from the judges) 
"Are you as sick of cat videos as I am?" 
Ken Sheldon, Elon 

"Of course LinkedIn's not here - he's busy working." 
Ken Sheldon, Elon 

BEST INSIDE JOKE 
Just wondering - why are there three drinks in the paper and only one on the blog? 

(See? Three glasses!)

It looks like SnapChat's been into the Grey Poupon. 
Ken Sheldon, Elon 

BEST POEMS 
Social websites - I know there's a glut 
Used by every last crackpot and nut. 
Both these types are to blame 
For the ironic name: 
Due to them, sites are anything but. 
Ken Sheldon, Elon 

Other Entries 
What's the matter, Twitter? Don't you like martinis? 
Ken Sheldon, Elon 

So Twitter, you tawt you taw a puddytat? 
Ken Sheldon, Elon 


February 14, 2020

RUNNERS-UP
“Yes, he did work in retail selling mattresses before.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

HONORABLE MENTIONS (also getting a vote from the judges)
“I’d like to introduce our new marketing director ...”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEMS
In this group, there's a member named Flynn
Who will give things a positive spin.
He will wave and he'll smile
Through each issue and trial
Just as long as his motor's plugged in.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
He doesn't say much, but he sure is enthusiastic.
I agree - a Valentine's Day sale is a great idea!
Ken Sheldon, Elon


February 7, 2020

RUNNERS-UP
“Don’t do anything you’ll regret seeing at your wedding.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST INSIDE JOKE
All that to find the best price for Grey Poupon?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST EARWORMS
Mommy likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEMS
It's become quite an unconscious habit
See your phone or your iPad? Just grab it.
Check your Facebook or bank?
It's Steve Jobs you can thank.
Just ignore the kids - check out this tablet!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
Since they're distracted, let's work on our mural in the hall.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I knew we shouldn't have made such a fuss over "Baby Shark."
Don't worry - there's no "Baby-Talk" language in their translate app.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

They've been that way since they put those sensors in our diapers.
Ken Sheldon, Elon


January 31, 2020

BEST POEMS
Once a maple, a pine and a palm
Discussed storms would act like a bomb.
"When it's windy, us trees
Bend and break with much ease -
It's much better when weather is calm."
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
No, I can't see Forrest through us either.
Leaf me alone.
Pine for a lost love? You pine for everything!
Why would you leave the beach on your vacation?
Ken Sheldon, Elon


January 24, 2020

HONORABLE MENTIONS (also getting a vote from the judges)
“Now will you update your GPS maps?”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST INSIDE JOKE
Tim, It's Mort Walker. He wants his premise back.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
This proves Ancestry.com saying you're related to Sgt. Snorkel.
Tim, It's Mort Walker. He wants his premise back.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEMS
"Let's go somewhere today," exclaimed Bert.
"Lover's Leap sure sounds good," replied Myrt.
Bert then jumped at the chance
But grabbed onto a branch,
Since that stop at the bottom would hurt!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
Hang in there!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Well, your fitness app wants you to start doing pull-ups.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Can I interest you in purchasing some life insurance?
I've been going through your messages - who's Trixie?
The Uber guy says he'll be here in 15 minutes. Can you hold on that long?
Ken Sheldon. Elon


January 17, 2020

BEST POEMS
On the date of December the twelfth,
E. L. Fudge tumbled down from a shelf.
But the Keebler police
Solved this murder with ease -
He was pushed by a disgruntled elf.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
That's the way the cookie crumbles...
He sure had a crummy day...
Must be self-inflicted - there's no sign of milk.
Let's send in the K-9 unit to clean up the scene.
Ken Sheldon. Elon

Looks like someone didn't like the Girl Scout cookie price increase.
Ken Sheldon, Elon


January 10, 2020

RUNNERS-UP
“Next Pizza Hut in 1.664 miles.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST EARWORMS
I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike. I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride it where I like.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEMS
In the gym there is so much confusion.
Lose some weight! Going there's a solution!
Though folks know what to do,
In just one week or two
They'll forget their New Year's resolution.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
C'mon - a hamster could do better than you!
Go another half hour or your husband gets you a rowing machine too!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Peloton Bike: $2,000. Planet Fitness membership: $10 / month. Do the math.
Ken Sheldon, Elon


January 3, 2020

BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
Today we say goodbye to Bozo, Chuckles, Binky, Zippy, Bingo, Giggles and Clarabelle.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

POEM - Not on Greensboro.com yet...
"On this day, we bid Giggles goodbye. 
It's a shame we're all destined to die. 
As we're leaving this place 
Let's remember his face 
Getting hit with a shaving-cream pie." 
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Today we say goodbye to Bozo, Chuckles, Binky, Zippy, Bingo, Giggles and Clarabelle.
Because of Floppy, we all have big shoes to fill.
He was a great accountant - no one could juggle the books like him
Ken Sheldon, Elon