RUNNERS-UP
“There will be a liquidation sale in the spring.”
Ken Sheldon
BEST POEMS
To a boardroom, the members would go.
It appeared they were all made of snow.
On each board member's face
There's a glossy white glaze
From the AC that's set way too low.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Well, there's no business like snow business.
Nose jobs are lower due to the current carrot shortage.
I'm sure you all understand why this will be a real short meeting...
Ken Sheldon, Elon
All right! Who stole my hat?
Ken Sheldon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
Your reference said you are a "cotton-headed ninny muggins?"
Well, Jovie's filed a complaint about you being in the women's locker room.
When did you move here from Munchkinland?
Yes, Hermey, we DO have an opening in our dental practice.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
There's devices that teach children phonics
That play games with Luigis and Sonics.
Being elves ain't enough
Now to build Santa's stuff:
They now need degrees in electronics.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
You think making cookies counts as training for building toys?
You're afraid of heights, so a shelf would not be a good place for you to work.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
It's been reported that you are writing dirty words on the Etch-a-Sketches.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
RUNNERS-UP
"I'd like to congratulate our 20-year members, which is just about all of you."
Ken Sheldon, Elon (First time a caption made the paper since I won in
August!)
BEST POEMS
At the fruitcake support group, it's seen
That those jokes about fruitcake are mean.
They don't like this assault -
For it isn't their fault
They were all made in 1914.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Today's topic - "Being Nutty Is Not Always a Bad Thing."
Next year, we'll have a joint support meeting with Candy Corn and Jellied Cranberry Sauce.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
In room 3, we're presenting "Retirement Career Options: Doorstop or Paperweight."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
Can you find a car like the Flintstones have?
Can you find the new Keith Richards album for me?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
A Neanderthal Black Friday sale -
You might wonder what that might entail.
Loincloths, sandals and hats
Made from saber-tooth cats,
And some belts made from mastodon tails.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Me not know you could sell days...
No black. Me want Green Friday.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
... and this is when your grandfather's funeral was featured in a "Joke's on You" cartoon.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
This uncle was dropped out of a helicopter in Cincinnati.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
At Thanksgiving, "Thanks" sure is the word
That is frequently said and oft heard.
It's a time for our kin
From afar to come in.
A great day for all, 'cept for the bird...
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Your uncle used to play in a jazz club. He was called the "Jive Turkey."
Of course he's named Tom. All our male relatives are named "Tom."
Yeah, he was kinda ornery, but the Smiths thought he was delicious.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
You'd think Gobbler's Knob be for turkeys and not groundhogs.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
You know my grandfather - he was in "The Wizard of Oz."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
In the fall, lots of people will say
Raking leaves sure can make a hard day.
When the job is complete,
A huge pile's on the street.
Where a truck comes and sucks them away.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other entries
With your hairline, I feel that we are like brothers.
Since I have no teeth, my bark really is worse than my bite.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Watch It with that rake - you're tickling my roots.
I'll try to be neater next year...
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
Don't you dare wish for a lifetime supply of Grey Poupon!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
Hah! You were expecting Barbara Eden and you got Robin Williams!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
It's a genie! Three wishes come true!
Now his master knew just what to do.
Wish to stop all those fights
On the social websites.
Gasped the genie, "THAT'S HOPELESS! I'M THROUGH!!!"
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
You can't keep it. It clashes with our décor.
Say one word about my mother and you're on the street!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
HONORABLE MENTIONS (also getting a vote from the judges)
Sometimes I spin a web just to watch people's reactions when they walk into it.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
Just think - Miss Tallulah Bankhead's last role was named after ME!
Ken Sheldon, Elon (Yup - she played the super-villain Black Widow in
season 2 of Batman)
BEST INSIDE JOKE
I scared the layout guy so much that he ran a month-old cartoon for "The Joke's on You!"
Now the really good flies taste just like Grey Poupon.
Ken Sheldon, Elon ( The News & Record accidentally reran the September
27th cartoons in the paper that day. I just HAD to rag on him for this. I also
resubmitted every one of my original captions before the blog posted with the
correct cartoon.)
BEST POEMS
By the web is a black widow spider
Who is telling the spider beside her
That when some bug gets caught,
She must do as she ought
'Til that bug that she caught is inside her.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
He's a good tattoo artist, but he only knows one design...
Of course, I learned how to do this on the web!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
It's true - your great-grandmother was in "Plan 9 From Outer Space."
… and your grandma hosted a horror movie series.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
In the vampires' mansion so ghostly,
'Round the TV they're gathering closely.
What's their favorite fright
On this Halloween night?
It's some films starring Bela Lugosi.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
That's his reaction to anything that's on: "BLEH!"
He's bummed that they're showing a rerun of "At Home With the Lion Tamer."
Sorry, son. "Batman" is not about us...
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
I think the Grey Poupon is in aisle four.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
Oh, and we have to find a Karaoke CD of "Putting on the Ritz."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
As they're building their monster, these guys
Went out looking to purchase some eyes.
Since they weren't in the know,
To a head shop they'd go,
And, oh boy, did they get a surprise!!!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entry
I've got a hunch the beakers are...oh, sorry about that...
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
Because it stains the sheets, she refuses to buy Grey Poupon.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST/WORST PUNS
We've had problems ever since we stood at the altar and said "I boo."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
There's some tension. The guide wants to clear it.
"Casper's mean and I don't like to hear it."
"Try to be a nice guy!"
Said the husband, "I'll try..."
Then the counselor said, "THAT'S THE SPIRIT!!!"
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
She doesn't know how to clean our sheets properly.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
We're not ghosts - we just can't stand the sight of each other.
Oh, we're okay. We're just fans of the Dolphins and the Redskins.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
Brains and Grey Poupon really don't go together that well.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Brains and Grey Poupon really don't go together that well.
Ken Sheldon, Elon (Tim must have liked this one so much, he ran it twice...)
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
I have two questions: What's your name? Who's your daddy?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
Of his diet, this zombie complains.
With reply, the psychologist strains.
"Being zombied must stink,
'Cause I've seen Rhett and Link
On their GMM show eating brains.
"They both eat them sometimes on a dare.
Of their taste they are both quite aware.
If it goes close to plan,
They'll be spat in some can
That is sitting right next to their chair."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entry
I really could go for a nice T-Bone.
Ken Sheldon, Elon