Greensboro, NC News & Record "The Joke's On You" Contest

September 27, 2019

BEST EARWORMS
Whip it. Whip it good.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEMS
It's a scene that is quite horrifyin'.
A big cat is outside. The wife's cryin'.
Said the cat, "You should fear!
It's a tiger out here!"
But the guy replied back, "You are lion!"
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
You don't have to worry about ICE - you were born in High Point.
I didn't know the Lion's Club was recruiting.
You can take the tamer out of the circus, but you can't take the circus out of the tamer.
Must you do that whenever my mother comes to visit?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Isn't that a little overkill for one little spider?
Just because you fell off that chair doesn't mean you have to punish it.
Ken Sheldon, Elon


September 20, 2019

BEST POEMS
There are times when some moths will all flutter
Round a light fixture with one anutter.
There are other times they
Are just munching away
On some sweater that's made by my mutter.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
I hear Ken's got a new sweater. Wanna check it out?
C'mon - dark closet or light bulb. Take your pick!
You look like something's bugging you...
Ken Sheldon, Elon


September 13, 2019

TIM’S PICK(S) My picks don’t necessarily mean what should have won, or gotten a runner-up, it’s just to spotlight what I think are good but over-looked captions. Some captions kinda ignored the whole “Friday the 13th” angle and just concentrated on the injuries – this caption probably most fully embraces the Friday the 13th vibe (see my caption below)

...and this all happened when you peeled the September 12th page off the calendar?

Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEAT THE CARTOONIST

Sometimes, I come up with a caption no one else does. When that happens, I’ll post it here.

“All this from a paper-cut you got when you changed the calendar?”

BEST POEMS

When it's Friday the thirteenth, there's some
Who will say superstitions are dumb.
Then there's others whose luck
Gets them hit by a truck,
Or gets pinched in a door by their thumb.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
Maybe you should have just stayed in bed today.
You wouldn't think slipping on a banana peel could do so much to you.
Oh, and I have some good news! My mother's coming to stay for six months.
Ken Sheldon, Elon


September 6, 2019

BEST INSIDE JOKE 
Don't use Grey Poupon in your diet - it has salt. 
Ken Sheldon, Elon 

BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE 
Look, Gary, I know SpongeBob thinks you can run track, but I don't know... 
Ken Sheldon, Elon 

BEST/WORST PUNS 
You're looking a bit sluggish out there today. 
Ken Sheldon, Elon 

BEST POEM 
This snail's nervous before his big race, 
So his coach would advise on the pace. 
"Slow and steady's the way 
You should run this today. 
As a snail, you're a lock for first place." 
Ken Sheldon, Elon 

Other Entry 
Well, maybe if you lost the shell... 
Ken Sheldon, Elon 


August 30, 2019

HONORABLE MENTIONS (also getting a vote from the judges)
I'm going to need a sap sample from you.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEMS
"Well, I think that your teeth are all right,
But it looks like you're getting a blight.
So I have to convey
That your tests show today
That your bark is much worse than your bite."
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
No, you can't see another doctor. I've got roots here.
Oh, baldness always comes around this time of year.
Ken Sheldon, Elon 


August 23, 2019

(I didn't work too hard on this one - I was on vacation this week...)

BEST POEMS
When a robot who once was alive
Becomes broken from taking a dive,
He can go to a shelf
And go rebuild himself
Like that Short Circuit bot, Johnny Five.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I see Junior's mail-order bride came in.
It's nice of your sister to pop by for a visit.
Everyone needs a piece of mind... And arm...
I didn't know Ikea sold children.
Ken Sheldon, Elon


August 16, 2019

WOO HOO!!! WIN #13

WINNER
“Why didn’t you tell me about the new Roomba?”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

HONORABLE MENTIONS (also getting a vote from the judges)
“You’ve got to get rid of that rocking chair.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

“There’s no way you’re taking me to the vet!!!”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
Well, Mrs. Clinton, your family DID name me "Socks."
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST/WORST PUNS
Let meowt!!!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEMS
“I’m not kitten around! I have tried
To take cat naps while I am inside.
This drawer’s paw-some, no doubt!
Please do not let me-owt,
Since this place is so purr-fect to hide.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Want those magazines back? Here's the deal...
You should see my sock collection.
I bet you want to know what's in the bag.
Fourth floor - sporting goods.
What were you guys doing in here last night?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Think this is funny? You ought to see the video.
Check out my Puss In Boots impression!
Let meowt!!!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

They said WHAT at the end of "The Price Is Right???"
You wouldn't believe the size of that mouse!!!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Well, Mrs. Clinton, your family DID name me "Socks."
Can't a guy get a little quiet time around here?
I see you've discovered my Cat Cave.
Ken Sheldon, Elon


August 9, 2019

RUNNERS-UP
“That look might work for Michael Jordan, but not you.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEMS
In the yard, there was one weed who'd say,
"We're like humans, at least in one way:
Like their hair, we just might
Turn a nice shade of white,
And then later, it just blows away.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

It seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind.
Nice trim!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
(Another earworm miss?)

I think I teased it a little too much...
Looks like a lion's mane. Isn't it dandy?
Ken Sheldon, Elon


August 2, 2019

RUNNERS-UP
“Isn’t anyone going to clean the litter box?”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST INSIDE JOKE
I have to admit, adding Grey Poupon does make it a Fancy Feast.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
Jon, you've GOT to do something about Odie.
Dilbert, as the Evil H.R. Director, I have to tell you: You're fired!
Let's see - between Julie Newmar and Eartha Kitt, I prefer Newmar.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEMS
Of the vet, this cat's really afraid!
"Price is Right" says this can't be delayed.
Now his day's become darker!
Both Drew and Bob Barker
Say, "Get your pets neutered and spayed.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
In pet news today, catnip prices are up.
Hey! Quick yacking and deal the cards!
I think I'll have the tuna surprise.
This time, I'll take just the cream, hold the coffee.
I'd like to talk about a common problem: Hairballs.
When I get sick, I go to Summerfield Veterinary Hospital.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
(The last one recognizes Tim Tribbett, DVM, and frequent JOU winner and submitter of the picture)

Put that costume on me, and I'll poop in your bed.
Ahem - there seems to be a lack of Friskies in my bowl.
What's the deal? You changed from whole milk to skim?!?
I don't care if you are vegan - I NEED MEAT!!!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I'm Walter Cron-cat, and that's the way it is.
Now this life insurance policy will cover all nine lives, not just one.
What do you mean, you are thinking about getting a dog?
I'd like to talk to you about who really rules this house.
You did WHAT with that mouse I brought you as a present?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Are you going to eat that bacon, or just gonna let it sit there?
Ken Sheldon, Elon


July 26, 2019

RUNNERS-UP
“Boy, is he lit!”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
We're all going to miss you here at Maxie B's.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEMS
Here's a math fact you cannot deny.
It's a strange one, and I'll tell you why:
The circumference of cake?
All the steps that you take:
You must multiply two r times pi.
Ken Sheldon, Elon


Other Entries
All I am saying is give piece a chance.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
(I'm surprised this one didn't get a nod for pun or earworm...)

I wonder if he's going to smear himself all over his face?
You'd think a piece of one-year-old cake would be kinda stale...
Kenn Sheldon, Elon


July 19, 2019

RUNNERS-UP
“Can you wave at Aunt Marge when you go over her house?”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

HONORABLE MENTIONS (also getting a vote from the judges)
“Can you wave at Aunt Marge when you go over her house?”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
(Curious... I wonder if they put all the votes together if I would have won...)

BEST EARWORMS
I packed your bags last night, pre-flight. Zero hour's nine A.M.?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
And I think it’s gonna be a long, long time …
(I think this may be the first time I paraphrased an Elton John lyric for a caption)

BEST POEMS
Buzz and Neil are names from the past.
From the moon, in the spotlight they're cast.
Neil hated the fame
That would come with his name,
But Buzz Aldrin thought it was a blast.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
I take it you won't be home for dinner.
Some people will do anything to get out of jury duty.
This is where I draw the line as a helicoptor parent.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Are you sure you're wearing clean underwear?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
(I thought this one really had a chance...)


July 12, 2019

RUNNERS-UP
“We all have to share the same litter box.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

HONORABLE MENTIONS (also getting a vote from the judges)
“Cigarettes? No, but I could use some catnip.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST INSIDE JOKE
No, I can't understand why this booth has "THIS WEEK'S CARTOON" over it either.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEM
It's a tale that the convict would tell.
Life in prison is nothing but hell.
What he said had her floored.
Every day, he's so bored.
Could she sneak in a toy with a bell?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
It's not "Fancy Feast", it's more like "Mediocre Gruel".
The guards are all border collies.
You learn to avoid the Siamese.
You learn to weave hairballs into blankets.
How was I to know that mouse wasn't with Disney?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

No, I can't understand why this booth has "THIS WEEK'S CARTOON" over it either.
Ken Sheldon, Elon


July 5, 2019

RUNNERS-UP
“Deep down, I’m really a vegan.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
I pitched this idea for a really cool business, but they turned me down.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BESTG POEMS
With this doctor, the shark would soon seethe!
He'd get angry, start baring his teeth!
"Is it mom or your dad
That is making you mad?"
"Out of water, a shark cannot breathe!!!"
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
I don't understand the hype - we all have to eat.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I've got this earworm - it's two really low notes that go, "Buuuh dum. Buuuh dum."
Ken Sheldon, Elon