RUNNERS-UP
“Our health insurance is paid up, right dear?”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
Said the mom, with a bit of a burn,
"All my warnings, you kids always spurn.
Ewer going to play.
It will jar you some day.
Since you're kids, you still have lots to urn."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Hey! No playing vaseball in the house!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
What ever happened to their liking flowers?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Next time it gets stuck, you're prying it out.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
As we look at the business-dressed ants,
I hear Tim saying, "Let's take a chance!
I'll dress just the top half!
This will make readers laugh,
Because no one likes ants in their pants."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Classic.
Other Entries
Is something humanning you?
We were all set up, then the kid shook the cube farm up.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
OF COURSE I'm going to the company picnic!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
The second half of this week's limerick also made the paper.
RUNNERS-UP
“My! What poor fashion sense you have!”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
ALSO RECEIVING VOTES FROM THE JUDGES …
“Oops. Wrong house.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
“You were expecting pigs?”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEM
Big Bad Wolf heard the Baby Bear say,
"Goldilocks did not visit today.
She's not like Little Red,
She just sleeps in my bed,
And will show up while we're all away.
He continued, "Your thoughts are foreseen.
While my mom, I don't want to demean,
Let's go hunting and forage,
Because Mama's porridge
Is not a bear's normal cuisine."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entry
Got any porridge we can borrow? We're a little short.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
RUNNERS-UP
“We can change later. It not like it ...oh, it is ...”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
"Hate dictation!" poor Wilma would moan.
"Can't boss write correspondence on own?
Each time boss changes mind,
Brand new rock I must find
Because everything written in stone."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
After two and a half years, still no paper? (from March 9, 2013…)
Caption must be done before Wednesday to be considered.
Thank you for handling Keith Richards’ first fan mail.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
No, only one 'G' in "ug."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
I see a candidate for Galactic President wearing his shirt backwards tomorrow...
Ken Sheldon, Elon (Check back on Saturday...)
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCES
I see Norm MacDonald with a goatee and dressed in white.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Didn’t he used to be Darrell Hammond? (Yes, but Norm's the
"Real" Colonel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=er_owYCDZUk)
BEST POEMS
Said the teller, "Though I'm a beginner,
I can see that your fate's not a winner.
I'm sure you're not the first,
But I'm seeing the worst:
For your future's tomorrow night's dinner."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entry
No, you didn't lay this. It's mine.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST/WORST PUNS
Ugh! That ride was the wurst!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
At the fair, we all heard the bread mutter,
"Boy, that thing's got my heart all a-flutter.
Jam and jelly's okay,
Mayo's fine any day,
But I'm scared by that rock-hard cold butter."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
I thought while riding that I'd be toast!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Whoever coined the phrase "best thing since sliced bread" has never been through a bread slicer.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
In a world where the masses yell, "SCAT!"
It's the bane of each mouse and each rat!
And its litter box? Each
Would call Miami Beach!
"The Attack of the Fifty-Foot Cat!"
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Crowd reaction to the showing of "Two Poodles, One Bowl"
We never should have come to this IMAX showing of "Garfield"!
Ken Sheldon, Elon (I liked the Poodles caption, but knew it was too racy for the paper.)
Look out, Old Yeller! He's got a gun!!!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
RUNNERS-UP
“They’re so cute when they’re little.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
How many “sucks” jokes this week? Over or under 10?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
We got past 10 very quickly
BEST POEMS
Can a guy do some housework? We can!
That's why Roombas were built. It's our plan!
You just set it and go.
That's the way, we all know
That the housework gets done by a man.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Yes, but can it tango?
When he grows up, he wants to be a Battlebot.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Cute, but I want to see it do the stairs.
Looks like they've got a new babysitter for the cat.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
There goes the neighborhood...
His brother's out mowing the lawn.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
For the second time in a couple months, the limerick made the paper!
RUNNERS-UP
“Hey, Siri - do I?”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Also well liked by the judges
THE JUDGES ALSO LIKED (But there wasn’t room in the paper or the votes came in too late to be counted…)
“Gotta go - I’ve got another message from Match.com.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
Is this groom under some kind of hex?
In a flash, his whole life got complex.
Why's his bride so aroused?
While he's taking his vows
It appears that he butt-dialed his ex.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
I'm sorry, Siri. You're being replaced.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
"On this bed, my price can not be beat!
I will crush everyone on the street!"
Though this seller might rave
'Bout the money I'll save,
'Twill be used up replacing my sheets!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Are you kidding? You know my sleep number's 35!
What would this do to my implants?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
...and if we need spare parts, Home Depot's next door?
...and when you're not lying on it, we can use it to play Plinko!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
Dearly beloved - it is indeed a dark day. Even the
blue blob has turned navy.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCES
Pedro was a charter member of the Pamplona Hall of Fame.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
Poor ol' Bessie's was really quite dense.
There were times what she did made no sense.
How'd she die? You should know
That when she had to go,
It was on an electrical fence.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Thank you, sister Elsie, for that mooooving eulogy.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
...and after I bought the plant from the cats, I turned it into a fireworks factory.
Go pay Rickard a visit - his fruit puns in Brewster Rockit are making me sick.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
It's the Fourth of July - what to do?
When parades and the picnics are through,
In the sky, 'twill be seen
Yellow, orange and green
All to honor the red, white and blue.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other
Entries
You’re fired!
The previous CEO didn’t last long – he had a short fuse.
No, you can’t take July 4th off.
You’ll find that working here’s a blast.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
We don't employ saltines. I don't want to have to fire crackers.
We're giving you a bonus for handling the Wile E. Coyote account.
Ken Sheldon, Elon