BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
I'd say your "Itchy and Scratchy" experiment was a success!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
In the lab, things have gone all awry.
There one rat who'll no longer comply.
Running mazes? He's done!
He found somebody's gun
And yelled, "Researchers! Reach for the sky!!!"
But this threat, to those guys it fell flat.
This one rat, they will choose to combat.
Since he's really persistent,
They'll get an assistant.
I hear they'll be hiring a cat.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
He finally figured out who’s been moving his cheese.
I’ve been wondering how the cat died.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I'd say your "Tom and Jerry" experiment was a success!
Don't worry. He can't hold the gun and pull the trigger at the same time.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I told you your "Cheese Deprivation" experiment was a bad idea.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
RUNNERS-UP
“Everyone’s been looking for you.”
Ken Sheldon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
I think Tim's a little late submitting his St. Patrick's Day cartoon.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Well gee, maybe I could get Cliff to Photoshop in an extra leaf for me.
Ken Sheldon
BEST POEMS
Every year around March seventeen,
You can find lots of beer on the scene.
What's the sandwich to try?
How 'bout corned beef on rye?
Just make sure that your bread isn't green.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entry
Mind if I look you over? I overlooked you before.
Ken Sheldon, Elon (I kinda liked this one...)
BEST INSIDE JOKE
Yes, the game was between Cliff and a team of space squid, and no, Cliff DIDN'T win.
Ken Sheldon, Elon (In response to this from Brewster Rockit:)
BEST POEMS
In the season we know as "March Madness,"
Folks will fill out their brackets with gladness.
While their picks they've all trusted,
The brackets get busted
Which means that next month's "April Sadness."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Apparently, being a bouncer isn't as exalted as it is back home.
They all said I was full of hot air.
When they took me to their leader, I was at Coach Krzyzewski's office.
When they took me to their leader, I was at Roy Williams' office.
Ken Sheldon, Elon (To be fair...)
I think for us both to fit in there, one of us is going to have to go on a diet.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
... and as a joke, I sent them a snowman to interview.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
I assure you, they're ears, not pointy hair.
Now that I've gotten rid of the pointy haired boss, the world is MINE!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST LONG-DISTANCE DEDICATION
You’re being transferred to Istanbul – along with about 10 million of your buddies.
Ken Sheldon (This is in response to my son who is spending this week there on spring break, and relates that the city is “filled to the brim with cats.”)
BEST POEMS
In the factory, all are concurring
That production machines are all whirring.
Who's in charge here? It's true!
The plant's cat-run. That's who.
They are happy when everything's purring.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
As our new VP, you get to use the executive litter box.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Since we put catnip in the break room, production's down 25%.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
RUNNERS-UP
I don’t think you understand what a hiring freeze
is.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
So, you're Pinocchio's replacement?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
At the HR department, who goes in?
It's a snowman who hopes to be chosen.
Though he's right for a job
Still his head, it must throb
Since all hiring right now has been frozen.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
It says here that you're cool under pressure...
I'm sorry Frosty, we have a policy against hats.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
THE
JUDGES ALSO LIKED
Well, they ran out of harps when I got here, so instead they gave me a banjo.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
After being in heaven a spell,
Are there issues on which you might dwell?
Silence would be preferred,
If you said just one word,
They might tell you to just go to ...
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
All the music here is harp music. Did you ever hear “Free Bird” played on a harp?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Well, you see, I'm allergic to dogs, and you've heard about where all dogs go...
Got anything lower? I'm afraid of heights.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I do like the wings, but I sure miss my feet.
Where can you find a good lawyer up here?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
RUNNERS-UP
“I’m tired of the townhouse. This time, let’s do the Death Star.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
These two built a new house, they both chose
A great contractor - go with the pros!
They would call Charlie Brown!
He's the best guy around!
He's a blockhead, as everyone knows!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
You're right - little Jessica IS a home wrecker.
The last thing he said was, "Leggo my Legos!"
Who would have thought "Superstorm Sandy" was really a three-year-old?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
As I look at this Valentine's candy,
I'm recalling "Blind Date" - it's a dandy!
Like when Nadia's buzz
Stopped her wedding because
Walter spiked all her chocolates with brandy.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
It doesn’t look good
Other Entries
Life IS like a box of chocolates - there's always someone that's totally nuts!
Can I get a little room?!? I'm claustrophobic!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
It MUST be Groundhog Day! I swear this week’s “Joke’s on You” instructions are the same ones we had last week!
I can't go out there - I'm still worn out from watching the Galactic Bowl.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
You go this year – Brian Doyle-Murray’s hands are really cold!
There's a Ned Ryerson out there - wants to know if we want insurance.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
On the second, the groundhog did say,
"I get yanked from my hole for display.
Though it brings people cheer
To be seen every year,
I'm just glad that it's not every day!"
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Can’t they just check the Weather Channel?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
RUNNERS-UP
“OK, ref isn’t working. How about if I dressed like a cheerleader?”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
Penalty on Rickard - 15 yards for nose way out of proportion!
Just curious - how do you intend to eat your snacks when you have no mouth?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
There are folks who say "What's in a name?"
There are times when it's just not the same.
Advertisers will cite,
Due to copyright fights,
"Super Bowl" has become "The Big Game."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Penalty - one yard. Now go mow it!!!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I don't care if I threw that flag on the floor! PICK IT UP!!!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST
INSIDE JOKE
At least we got away from that blue blob…
Ken Sheldon, Elon
That's the last time I ever criticize Tim for recycling cartoons!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
We both know it's not.
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
Can you hear it? King Arthur's knights are singing that "Camelot" song again.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
Though they're hanging these guys off the floor,
Still the one on the left suffers more.
Hanging hurts, there's no doubt,
But he quickly found out
He'll get whacked when they open the door.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Oh, I’m hanging in there.
Boy, the library’s overdue policy is STRICT!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
"Mr. M&M," said Dr. Rauth,
"I see here why you health has gone south.
With your chocolate inside,
There's no way it's denied
That one day you'll be down in the mouth."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Since you come in pretzel, your sodium levels have gone through the roof.
Not only do I think you're nuts, my x-ray confirms it.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Are you some kind of alien? It says here your place of birth is Mars.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
THE JUDGES ALSO LIKED (but, sorry, ran out of room in the newspaper … )
“Well, now we know what happens when you catch a car that you chase ...”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
The dog catcher job, it was founded
When a neighborhood sometimes gets hounded.
Like a car, every day
Dogs are taken away.
Like a car, all the dogs are in-pounded.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Now you know – biting a mailman equals assault.
Shhh – I slipped a hacksaw in your box of Milk Bones…
Ken Sheldon, Elon