Greensboro, NC News & Record "The Joke's On You" Contest

 

December 26, 2014

RUNNERS-UP
“I had people dumping ice buckets on themselves and setting themselves on fire. Try beating THAT!”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST INSIDE JOKE
I have a strange feeling I've been in this cartoon before...
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I have a strange feeling that that’s been pointed out before …

BEST POEMS
'Cause of something we saw in great scads,
Twenty-fourteen was really quite bad.
I'm sure you can relate
Twenty-fifteen is great
Without all those political ads.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
Trust me - this job ages you really quickly.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

If you get audited, just tell them your hard drive crashed. That's what they did...
Ken Sheldon, Elon


December 19, 2014

BEST INSIDE JOKE
Of course you're breaking and entering! Every "Jokes On You" captioner says it is!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEMS
It's a movie most people call sweet.
Here's a scene that just cannot be beat.
What you're seeing so clear?
There's a miracle here,
It's the one down on 34th Street.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
Of course you're breaking and entering! Every "Jokes On You" captioner says it is!
How come you're not paying your elves at least $15 an hour?
So do you go by other aliases like St. Nicholas? Kris Kringle? Father Christmas?
Where were you on the night of December 24th? And don't say "Everywhere!"

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Three lady elves heard you say, "HO! HO! HO!" That's sexual harassment!
Ken Sheldon, Elon


December 12, 2014

BEST/WORST PUNS
He was such an ice guy...
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEMS
Where do dead snowmen go when they die?
Here's the answer, you can not deny.
To some ocean or gulf,
Or evaporate off
To that great nimbus cloud in the sky.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
His son's got his eyes. Really - that's where they are.
He never should have bought that Jacuzzi.
Ken Sheldon, Elon


December 5, 2014

BEST POEMS
"I sure hope that your meeting goes well.
Got your hazmat suit on? That is swell!
We've the surest of plans
When you go to shake hands
With that TV host Howie Mandell."

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
Yup. You're ready to change Junior's diaper.
Wouldn't it be easier to just get the flu shot?

Ken Sheldon, Elon


November 28, 2014

BEST INSIDE JOKE
I've got nothing better to do - the Joke's On You blog still hasn't been posted yet...
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEMS
After Thanksgiving dinner was downed,
At Ye General Store, lines went 'round.
Pilgrims looked high and low,
But were soon shocked to know
Not a general's there to be found.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
Good thing the locals offered to clean up after dinner.
Who cares if it’s Black Friday? That’s the only color we wear!

Ken Sheldon, Elon


November 21, 2014

BEST INSIDE JOKE
You've gotta hurry - this week's JOU deadline is Monday at noon!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEMS

On this scene this mere poet is hooked.
My first thought when upon it I looked
Was, on Thanksgiving day,
What the guy'd surely say
Is that turkey'd taste better if cooked.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entry
Have you ever thought about going vegan?
Ken Sheldon, Elon


November 14, 2014

BEST INSIDE JOKE
It must be fall – even the blue blob’s color changed.
We either must be twins, or Tim used copy and paste, since our shapes and vein patterns are identical.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEMS
Said the leaves to each other, "Oh shucks!
I just hate leaf collectors on trucks.
Into piles oh, so neat,
We get raked to the street,
Then that truck with the hose comes! It sucks!"

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
Why did you have to leaf me?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I'm staying green. I don't want any kids jumping on me.
I'm warning you! Beware of rakes and mulchers!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

You're more experienced at falling. I'm still a little green.
I'm not going - I hate falling.

Ken Sheldon, Elon


November 7, 2014

RUNNERS-UP
“Show off!”
Ken Sheldon, Elon, Lisa-Ann Andrews, Greensboro

BEST POEMS
Said the B to the A here, "O G!
U R of the wrong font, can't U C?
We R bold! We R strong!
What I C here S wrong!
Can't U B like us ASAP?

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
Going out tonight?
I’d say the hairdresser did a good job…
Looks like the diet worked.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

OK – Ready to go stand in front of the liquor store?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

You look hungry. R U O K?

Ken Sheldon, Elon


October 31, 2014

BEST INSIDE JOKE
Don't you EVER speak to people?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEMS
Said the chocolate bar to Dr. Butts,
"What I'm feeling has got to take guts.
Since I'm Hershey's by name
Mr. Goodbar's my fame,
It is good that folks think that I'm nuts."

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
Nobody likes me. Is it because I'm baking chocolate?
People treat me like I'm from Mars!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

I have this attraction to peanut butter. Is this odd, Dr. Reese?
I'm not crazy - it's the Payday that's nuts!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Of course I'm always bitter! I'm baking chocolate!
Ken Sheldon, Elon


October 24, 2014

BEST POEM
All the shots that you have to go through
Stop diseases. We know that it's true.
Through a parent's two eyes,
Needles sure aren't this size,
But they certainly are when you're two.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
Of course this is going to wipe out ebola! The President said so!
Just be thankful he doesn’t need a prostate exam.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

I can't believe Gulliver is covered by Lilliput's Obamacare!
The CDC reporting for duty at Mount Rushmore.

Ken Sheldon, Elon


October 17, 2014

BEST/WORST PUN ( “mummy” puns not included)
I hate this Kindle book on Ancient Egypt - it sphinx!
Ken Sheldon

BEST POEMS
Do you want to get rich? It's a dream!
It's much easier than it might seem.
Though they're just wrapped up bones,
Sell the mummies our phones.
You might call it a pyramid scheme.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
Try this app - it'll help you unwind.
It's for you - it's your mummy.

Ken Sheldon, Elon


October 10, 2014

BEST POEMS
It was quite an unusual scene.
At the door, this week's werewolf was seen.
Asked the lady, "Now, Lon,
I have heard while you're gone,
You and junior had walked with the queen?"

One might think that this caption is borin'.
It might leave lots of people a-snorin'.
But it sounded so great
Back in '78
As was sung by a Zevon named Warren.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries

Sorry - I forgot to warn you about that eclipse.
It's okay - I scared the dinosaurs away.
So, Scott. How did the basketball game go tonight?
Doesn't anyone think it's weird to have a guy named Fox playing a wolf?

Ken Sheldon, Elon


October 3, 2014

BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
Madeline Kahn better singer!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEMS
While the color's in black, and not crimson,
I had though while the monster, he limps in,
Could it be a misnomer?
His name could be Homer.
It looks like he married Marge Simpson.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
After wedding, must assemble baby.
I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Kanye West.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

You marry me, Lady Gaga?
Ken Sheldon, Elon