BEST POEMS
Said the battery cop, "Listen, Marge.
There's a warrant for you. You're at-large.
I must take you away,
Even though you will say
You are innocent, now you are charged."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Of course I'm bipolar! We're all bipolar!
Yes I'm positive - at least on top.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I hate toy conventions. We're never included.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
RUNNERS UP
“I TOLD him he shouldn’t have gotten that pet monkey.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
"On our day," said the bride to be Anna,
"I was told by our wedding day planna.
On that day will be seen
A carribean scene -
A Havana Banana Cabanna."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Cinderella must have been here – she dropped her slipper.
Is George running around naked?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Wow! That's some banana split!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
He ran away when you wanted to fight. Guess he really was yellow.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
RUNNERS-UP
“If grades no improve, you must drop Club Club.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
You're lucky neither one of us has eyes.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
At least you can still get insurance from Geico.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
In the cave, dad is taken aback.
Counting A's, it appears there's a lack.
Seems his son's school of rock
Is what's causing the shock,
Since it's run by the actor Jack Black.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
You'll never attract girls like Pebbles Flintstone with grades like these.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
She gets so bent out of shape every time I mention Uri Geller.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
Help the dish and the spoon will both seek.
They've been fighting for over a week.
At their wedding they clashed
Since the dish clan got smashed.
That's not odd, but their wedding was Greek.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
He keeps making excuses to go to Replacements, Ltd.
After living with him, I know why the little dog laughed.
I now know what he means by “diddle diddle”, and it isn’t pretty.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
All she wants to do at night is spoon. I should have married a fork!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
RUNNERS-UP
“I think you’d make a great fit into management.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST/WORST PUN
See what you get by doing too much rushin'?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
"There's some people we've known through the years
Like these Russian dolls." everyone sneers.
"They might really look cute
In a navy blue suit,
But there's nothing at all 'tween their ears."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
I’m sorry, but I don’t think you’d make a very good motivational speaker.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
There's few talents Pinocchio brings.
A rejection? The thought of that stings.
There's a bit of hope yet
For this marionette
If that boss could just pull a few strings.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Classic Sheldon.
Other Entries
Congratulations! You’ve been hired as new presidential press secretary!
You expect me to believe you have a cricket for a reference?
The Marines are looking for real men, not real boys.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
So you want to be a kid's party host. Can you run a limbo contest?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Just a few health questions - have you ever had Dutch Elm Disease?
How the heck can your ethnicity be "Pine?"
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I've got reports that you're sticking your nose into other people's business.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
RUNNERS-UP
“We couldn’t afford a funeral, so we figured – what the heck?”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
THE JUDGES ALSO LIKED …
“Some folks let others just walk all over them… ”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
Over or under five - how many "unbearable" puns will Tim get this week?
Too many.
I think what the beavers did to dad was really uncalled for.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Not to mention the bull and bull fighter
He gave Kevin in HR a hug...
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
Now that bear's just a rug, this is true.
But remember just what he's been through.
Years ago, he's like Yogi,
Baloo, Ben and Smokey.
Today, he just feels like a Pooh.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Don't we all. :-)
Other Entries
Is Dad playing dead again!!!!
Dad shouldn't have tried to stop that steamroller...
Don't you find that to be even a little creepy?
I think he's taking that "Flat Stanley" thing a little far.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I know it sounds cruel, but now you've got a target for practicing your putting.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST/WORST PUN
Nice noon exhibit idea - "Munch Lunch With Munch."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
The museum guide known as Sir Ernie,
Explained "Munch, on an ocean-side journey,
Started painting "The Scream"
When he saw, it would seem,
A big shark serving as an attorney.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
(This was referencing the story line in Brewster Rockit)
Other Entries
The model just saved 15% on his car insurance.
To appreciate the emotion, it’s like listening to “Friday” for about 3 hours.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Now, where's the pictures where he "sees no evil" and "speaks no evil?"
Ken Sheldon, Elon
RUNNERS-UP
“I don’t like this new Jacuzzi.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
Said the marketing guy they call Josh,
"Name our vegetable beverage? Oh, gosh!
We should call it V8.
'Cause the public will hate
'Celer-ato-cu-carro-broc-quash'."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
All up for getting juiced say “Aye!”
So they bought a blender! Smoothie move!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Whew! We coulda been a V-8!
There goes the neighborhood!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
When the firefly's in need of a light,
He thought making it green would be right.
All those girls he's attract
From that one simple fact.
He'd save energy. That makes him bright.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
I got it for free from Duke Energy.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
It does save energy, but when I fly, it makes me do barrel-rolls.
It's the latest in prosthetics.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
RUNNERS-UP
“Today’s round table is a discussion on ‘Does being sharp make you a Cheese Whiz?’ ”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
At the conference they held in Bermuda,
The cheese delegates saw an intruda.
Someone there saw a mouse.
He was thrown from the house.
So now everything there is quite gouda.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Another masterpiece.
Other Entries
Good news – the limburger delegation can’t make it this year!
…and at 3:00 in the lobby, we’ll be holding a Kraft show.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Today's 2:00 discussion is "Swiss priests - are they really holier than thou?"
There will be a movie tonight: "King Kong vs. Gorgonzola"
Ken Sheldon, Elon
At 3:00, there's a presentation called "Lasagna - ya gotta Ricotta."
This year we will be honoring the stars of that classic TV show "The Muensters."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Rule #1 at the conference is "There are to be no 'Who cut you?' jokes."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
RUNNERS-UP
“Just think --- in a couple of days you’ll be walking the ceiling with him.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
THE JUDGES ALSO LIKED …
He's got your eyes - all five of them.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
Said the bug, "I'm a fortunate guy.
I'll explain to you now, sir, just why.
I'm a big baseball fan.
With my new little man,
I can say I'm my larva's Pop Fly."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST/WORST PUN
No, you can't tell fairy tales at the library. You're not the Grimm Reader!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
The Grim Reaper’s the very last guy
You will see on the day that you die.
With a firework you blunder?
You’ll be six feet under,
Which ruins your Fourth of July.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
It doesn't matter what field we're in - our outlook's always grim.
Nope - we don't sow. We only reap.
Ken Sheldon, Elon