BEST/WORST PUN
Must be those cotton eating pests are gone - you see no weevil and I hear no weevil.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEM
"Joke's on You's" by an artist renowned!
Every week, tons of captions abound!
'Bout this week, Tim should boast!
It's much better than most,
Since it lets us all monkey around.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
The bar has been raised
Other Entries
Of course you see no Evel - he died in 2007.
WHAT? SPEAK LOUDER! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I thought one of you guys was bringing the bananas.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Boy, that new Miley Cyrus video IS disgusting!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
Me too! I'm also billing my time here to Rickard!
Martinis! All Tim ever serves at these things it martinis!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST/WORST PUN
...and that old dentist started screaming at me! "THE TOOTH! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TOOTH!"
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEM
Is this true, or could this be a myth?
At the conference, a lawyer named Smith
Was the guy they'd accuse
Stealing bottles of booze.
He was guilty for taking the fifth.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Here's a good one - two comedians walk into a bar...
Ken Sheldon, Elon
It was a good trade - my son needed orthodontic work, his doctor needed my advice. We got a retainer for a retainer.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
RUNNERS-UP
“Honey, our son’s stuck on the roof again.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST/WORST PUN
So, they used a ball made in Prague? When they dribbled, they could say they were bouncing a Czech.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEM
Mrs. Basketball said at the door,
"No, my husband's not here anymore.
He's in Texas today,
'Cause they've asked him to play
In this year's college hoops Final Four."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entry
I think we've all lost the bounce in our step since it got so cold.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
RUNNERS-UP
With you, everything's always black and white.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEM
Good stuff!
Long ago when you watched a TV,
You had choices. Just count them – there’s three.
They were easy to guess,
You could watch CBS,
ABC or perhaps NBC.
But today we’ve got choices galore!
Finding just what to watch is a chore.
If you ever have tried
Checking out TV Guide
It’s a wonder they’ve got room for more.
VH1? TBS? MTV?
Nickelodeon? SyFy? or E?
Lifetime? ESPN?
Headline News? CNN?
Hallmark? Bravo? FX? AMC?
Cartoon Network, Golf Channel or Spike?
Perhaps Animal Planet I’ll like.
O or HGTV?
A&E? TLC?
How ‘bout Showtime to watch “Magic Mike?”
TNT? BBC? USA?
Maybe Comedy Central? “Okay!
I can’t take it!” some scoff
As they shut the tube off.
“There is nothing worth watching today.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Nice ears, Bugs!
We do have one thing in common - without electricity, we're big doorstops.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
RUNNERS-UP
Don't be so upset --- not everyone could get into Ellen’s selfie.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
Our side of the duplex is exactly backwards from the Beavers’.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEM
Oscar's happy, so gleefully humming.
With his wife he is being forthcoming."
"To Cate Blanchett's I'll go!"
But his wife told him, "Whoa!
Buster, you've got another thing coming!"
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Trust me, you’re not the only one around here that can act. I’ve been doing it for years.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I've had it. Why don't you go live with Felix?!?
I hear they saw you with Emmy. Who's Emmy?
Ken Sheldon, Elon (I thought the Odd Couple caption would make Cultural Reference...)
If you're going to be that way, why don't you go live in a trash can on Sesame Street?
Ken Sheldon, Elon (Same with Sesame Street...)
BEST INSIDE JOKE
This place smells of hamburger and old dinosaurs!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEM
And last, but not least, the JOU poet laureate himself.
Mrs. Beaver had caused quite a fuss.
"Do not fret," said her husband named Gus.
"We are sure not to blame -
Justin BIEBER's his name.
There's no WAY he could be one of us!"
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
The creek is rising. Dam it!
This place smells of hamburger and old dinosaurs!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I’m sick of Ward and June always leaving it to us!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST/WORST PUN
My house is falling apart - have you got any ig-glue?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEM
Way up north, they can't put on a show.
Their Three Stooges skit just wouldn't go.
Finding Curly or Larry
Is really quite hairy.
It's easy to find eski-Moe.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Welcome to Greensboro!
You don’t like whale hunting? Quit blubbering!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Does my wife know what state we live in? I don't know - Alaska.
I'm tired of seal. Can you find me a good black angus steak?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
THE JUDGES ALSO LIKED …
I got you your favorite - ladyfingers.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEM
Sue the Crocodile got quite a shock
Got a box from her boyfriend named Jacques.
There's a note: "It's for sure
You're my one true amour.
You're the one for me, Claire" What a croc!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I got a shout-out this week as well!
BEST INSIDE JOKE
"I'm not going to wine and dine you with poetry. That's Ken Sheldon's job!"
Paul Klosterman, High Point.
BEST INSIDE JOKE
Looks like Rickard spilled his ink again!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEM
I awoke at night. I've gotta go!
Turn the lights on to guide me? Heck, no!
In my haze, I felt stress.
I would be a success
If I went without stubbing my toe.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Who turned out the lights?
I thought YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill!
There you go again! Always leaving me in the dark!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
So, Dino, do you think we'll ever get out of this tar pit?
You know, doing the cha-cha with no lights isn't as fun as Bruce Springsteen says it is.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST/WORST PUN
If your goal is to be a vitamin, then B1.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEM
Said the capsule, "I'd like to announce:
We need nicknames - on this we must pounce.
Thanks to researchers, we
All can surely agree
We have names no one else can pronounce.
"To the public, an ad sometimes fails them.
What we'll cure, an ad always details them.
From these ads, they could bet
If we're used, they will get
Side effects so much worse than what ails them."
Ken Sheldon
I hope the rest of our JOU community visits the blog occasionally. It’d be worth it just to read Mr. Sheldon’s poetry each week.
Other Entries
I’m sorry, Placebo, but we don’t like phonies.
We all feel down in the mouth every now and then.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
It appears this latest round of cold weather was caused by too many people taking a chill pill.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEM
Said the T-Rex, "I've known all along.
In my mind, I've been singing a song.
But without any voice,
I don't have any choice
But to spend my time banging a gong."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Ooh! a nice cultural reference to boot!
Other Entries
We have to go hunting again - my arms can't reach anything in the kitchen.
Well, I TOLD Junior not to go by those tar pits, but you know kids...
I worried little Barney will never grow up!
I'm hungry - go find us a lawyer!
Some humans moved in next door. There goes the neighborhood!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
So I hear you’re related to José Jalapeño.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
Every year, to the fairs people come.
It's a feast full of junk food for some.
Candied apples and such?
Extra cash - I'd make much
If I had a booth peddling Tums.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
What do you mean “This is a stick-up?”
Nice hair, helmet head!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST/WORST PUN
One part of the play was done by the same kind of fish. It was an act of cod.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
Said the newsfish, "Now, man is a stinker.
To survive, we must all be a thinker.
No, it isn't okay
To eat worms shaped like "J"
Or you'll fall for them, hook, line and sinker."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
No school today.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
A school of fish was strafed by a sniper today. Holey Mackerel!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
His singing performance was bad, but couldn't be helped - after all, you can't tuna fish.
We've stopped the reporter in the field spots - our reporters kept dying in the fields.
Ken Sheldon, Elon