BEST INSIDE JOKE
We hired a cat in June, but he didn’t work out.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
You're leaving us? How waffle!
Ken Sheldon, Elon (Not sure how this qualifies as an inside joke, but I'll take it...)
BEST/WORST PUN
You're leaving us? How waffle!
Ken Sheldon, Elon (Here, I can understand...)
BEST POEMS
"Mrs. Butterworth, I egg-spect more.
You could really do butter, I'm sure.
I am letting you go,
But I think you should know
Down the street's a new Waffle House store."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Are you trying to butter me up for a raise?
You better not be lying - I can see right through you.
Can you give a reference for Aunt Jemima?
We have to let you go – sales have been as flat as a pancake.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Well, Johnson, sometimes being an intern requires you to dress in strange company costumes.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
What’s my favorite hymntune? It’s “Ode to Gioia”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
Declared each pasta son and each daughter,
"We are strong! There's no way we will totter!"
Then around dinner time,
They committed some crime
And they got themselves into hot water.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Anyone know of a good chiropractor?
Yeah, I like Chubby Checker. How could you tell?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
We’re all going to wind up in hot water sooner or later.
I remember when we were all just wheat, out standing in our field…
We just lost Peter. I hear he got into the sauce.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
RUNNER-UPS
“You have it backwards -- when one meditates, it’s ‘Omm’, not ‘Moo.’ ”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
Said the mystic, a world famous guru,
"On this mountain, there's sure not much to do.
I like playing a game
Where my robe I will name.
Since we're cattle, I'll call it a muumuu."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
One does not need to plug Chick-fil-A to be a success in advertising.
When man stays on your back for eight seconds, you have failed.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
RUNNER-UPS
“Well, I guess you could call me an old-timer ...”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST/WORST PUN
Your PM indicator is on your "D" circuit - So that would make it your "After noon D light"?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
You know, Digital, lots of folks say
They prefer telling time in my way.
When you're broke, they're aware
You just give a blank stare,
While my time is right two times a day.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
I get it - it's lunch time. There's no need to shout.
Did you see that girl leaving the ball? She lost her slipper!
They call you digital, but I'm the one with hands...
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Yeah, I'm feeling really wound up today.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
RUNNER-UPS
“You look like you were dressed by a 10-year-old!”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
JUDGES ALSO LIKED …
I’m leaving you for GI Joe.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
I really, REALLY like your captions in “The Joke’s On You!”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
Said my wife, “I remember back when
We had Ken dolls. I had to be ten.
My doll looked like a wreck.
It had tape ‘round its neck.
In the sink it swam time and again.
“There’s that sports car, but Ken couldn’t drive.
‘Cause his leg broke off. That is no jive!”
I replied with a wink,
“I’m beginning to think
It’s a wonder that I’m still alive.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Barbara Millicent Roberts. What’s yours?
Nice hair, helmet-head!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I'm leaving you after 43 years, and I'm keeping the dream house, the camper, the sports car...
Ken Sheldon, Elon
RUNNER-UPS
“Around here you’re #2! And don’t forget it!”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
Said the paper, "Although I seem bright,
All the ladies prefer you all night.
Quite a few of them said
That I'm really well-read,
You're a pencil they call Mr. Write."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Watch it! You’ve been rubbing me the wrong way!
“How are you? I’ve been fine.” That’s the best you can do?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
What’s your point?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
RUNNER-UPS
“It wasn't done by a guy. It was a chick.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
I think there's going to be enough egg puns this week for a whole season of CSI.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
Your brain on drugs - the aftermath.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
Said Detective Egg, "What in tarnation?
There's a shell that needs investigation!"
But the Sergeant said, "Whoa!
You and I should both know
It's a case of a chick's incubation!"
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
This case will be easy to crack.
They did a good job getting rid of the body, and that's no yolk.
The cracks, sir. Just the cracks.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I swear - whoever did this is gonna fry!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
If all the king's horses and all the king's men can't help, what can we do?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Guest artist Harry Blair drew and judged this week's cartoon -
ALSO PICKED BY HARRY AS HONORABLE MENTION …
“I've been cleaning out our guest artist's culvert - it's called ‘The Blair Ditch Project.’
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I accidentally combined two of Ken's captions for the paper.
BEST INSIDE JOKE
“I've been cleaning out our guest artist's culvert - it's called ‘The Blair Ditch Project.’
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST/WORST PUN
They left this on the beach! The gull of some people!!!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
All the locals and lifeguards will preach,
"We've got trash cans. They're all within reach!
Dumping trash in the sand
Is an act that is banned.
For our wildlife, life sure ain't a beach."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
WOOOOO! WHAT A PARTY!!!
Don’t worry – I emptied the cans myshelf before reshycling them. *hic*
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Like the bling?
Ken Sheldon, Elon (Submitted at the same time as the "Blair Ditch" caption - probably why they were both printed in the paper.)
Of course I got these walking on the beach! We don't have any wings for flying!
This is nothing! You should see what's out on that scow!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Man, I'm totally trashed!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
After what they did to the beach, let's just say I gave them a little "Montezuma's Revenge."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
My thinking is: they litter on our beach, I poop in their convertibles. I'd say that makes us even.
Ken Sheldon, Elon (I liked this one. Maybe too scatological?)
LAST WEEK’S WINNER
“Mr. Red and Ms. Yellow? Hello – I’m your son.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST/WORST PUN
DJ Purple's in the slammer for getting paid to play certain records. They charged him with Crayola Payola.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
Why does Orange hang out by the blocks?
His response, all the others it shocks.
"What’s my problem, my peers?
Claustrophobia fears
When I’m stuck there inside of our box."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
What's your point?
This time, can we all stay between the lines?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Can't we all just get along?
I call the Rainbow Club to order. Missing are members Indigo and Violet.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
REMEMBERING THE WALLENDAS
Why do they call them the Flying Wallendas? They don't fly!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
In the circus, the risks are immense.
And so folks will spare any expense.
To the big top they’ll go
For the daredevil show.
They could say that the acts were in tents.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Why do you have to follow that darned GPS's directions to the letter?!?
Speaking of balance, you bounced the rent check.
Why do they call them the Flying Wallendas? They don't fly!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
...So Marge said to Archie, "Where do you think you're going?" and Archie goes "Where ever I darned well please!" Well Marge got all mad and --- Stanley, are you keeping your eyes on the wire? Stop looking at the cute acrobat!!! --- then Marge got all mad and started throwing dishes at him, --- KEEP YOUR EYES ON THAT WIRE!!! --- So Archie stomped out the door and --- STOP LOOKING AT THAT ACROBAT!!! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME, STANLEY?!?
I wish they wouldn't have us going over the open top of the lion's cage.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
Didn't you get my email? I sent it last Monday. Oh, wait...
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST/WORST PUN
I want something less trashy. I look in the mirror and always think "Idaho".
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
"Please, beautician, do not be mistaken.
Fix me up so the men will be taken"
Guys will like her a lot.
Because now she is hot,
Filled with sour cream, butter and bacon.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Just a skin peel today.
We're having kids, so I need some eyes on the back of my head.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
A wig would be nice, but then I'm thinking "Who wants a hairy potato?"
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
Said the dog, "I'm in jail, can't you see?
Rolled two fives, then two twos then two threes.
The game's logic is flawed.
Don't you think that it's odd
That what got me in now sets me free?"
Ken Sheldon, Elon
An email snafu kept all my entries before Tuesday night from making it to Greensboro. Here they were:
Don't look at me! I had nothing to do with them making the new piece a cat!
For you they should have a card that reads "Go to pound. Go directly to pound..."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
You're
a Scottie - beam yourself out!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
Due to HIPAA, I can't tell you about that scarecrow.
(My most recent win, by the way...)
I thought you died in September, 2010.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I don't know what you've got - my email hasn't worked since last Sunday.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
This week's doc's like a comic strip groupie.
But this week, he is feeling quite droopy.
He was pleased as can be
That a peanut he'd see,
But it wasn't a beagle named Snoopy.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
You're not dehydrated and feverish, you're dry roasted.
Ken Sheldon, Elon