BEST POEM
In the aisles down in Walmart they sell
Peeps and bunnies of chocolate! That smell!
Candy piled to the sky
Is the main reason why
Diabetics think Easter is hell!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
I’ve heard that the hearing’s the first to go.
Ken Sheldon, Elon (A runner up was very similar to this one)
Yeah, I guess knowing your fate would make me a basket case too.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
So, are the guys in Burlington using their turn signals now?
Well, the last time I saw the shrink was in March of 2009.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEM
Said the basketball to Sergeant Dare,
“Yes, I saw the whole thing! I was there!”
As a witness, Dare doubts
What he’s talking about,
Since that ball was all full of hot air.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entry
What was the shooter wearing? There were ten of them, wearing baggy shorts and tank tops.
Ken Sheldon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
I think Brewster needs me to show him which way is up.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEM
(Inspired by watching a Burlington Police Car make two lane changes and three turns without touching the turn signal and cutting one of those turns two lanes short.)
Rules and laws have been made to stop mayhem.
Lots of signs are made just to display them.
All these signs should suffice,
But it’d be really nice
If all drivers would only obey them.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Of course, I want things to go my way! You have a problem with that?
Oh, yeah, “What’s your sign?” Like I haven’t heard THAT one before!
Let me tell you what I saw in the frat house!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
So you’re a stop sign, and wonder why your dates never go well?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
RUNNER-UPS
“I can’t wait until the day someone invents paper.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
The wheel? That’s all? You should see what they’ve got in Bedrock!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEM
Said the caveman, “Want patent. I feel
My invention has kiddie appeal.
It’s what children desire.
I made wheel. I made fire.
What you get with a merger? Hot Wheels!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entry
I’m taking a survey - your caption is for which invention: Fire or the wheel?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
So, when are we needed on the “Blue’s Clues” set?
Yo, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want...
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST /WORST PUN
A retired soldier spilled me on himself. Now he’s a seasoned veteran.
What’s with all the questions? Quit peppering me!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS (in no particular order)
Said the salt, “With a nod to the wife,
We are many. Our numbers are rife.
In this cabinet, here’s
A variety. We’re
Surely known as the spices of life.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entry
Of course, I’m special. I’m the salt of the earth!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
ALSO PICKED BY THE JUDGES, BUT WOULDN’T FIT IN THE PAPER …
Gesundheit!
(In order of their submission)
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Ed Deckert, Summerfield
Philippe Wiener, Greensboro
Tom Norman, Greensboro
Chuck Armentrout, Greensboro
BEST INSIDE JOKE
He kept screaming, “That blue blob! That blue blob!” Then he just exploded!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS (in no particular order)
Said Lorne Michaels, “I’m really dejected.
Though the Conehead skit has been selected,
These two costumes? They stink!
I am really not thinking
That ice cream’s what writers expected.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
I guess it is a little warm here.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I think you need a cone made by Depends.
Well, I guess that’s one way you can lose a little weight.
I want to see the cops draw their chalk outline around this one!
That’s the problem with all the hot ones - they never stay around long.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Sergeant, that’s not blood. That’s cherry ripple.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
RUNNER-UPS
“That buzzing you keep hearing is not tinnitus, it’s you!”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
The office is now closed on Thursdays, since Tim joined a golf league.
In the Bizarro World, I’d be human, and you a scarecrow.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
Well, Mr. Goldblum, I’d stay away from No-Pest Strips if I were you.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS (in no particular order)
To the mayfly, the doctor had said,
“It’s the bad news I’m sure that you dread.
Though I have to admit
That you’re perfectly fit,
In a day or so, you will be dead…”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
I’ll be darned. Your eye color really IS “checked”.
You’re not really sick, just slightly buzzed.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
You’re right. You should see the top line of the eye chart as EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Congratulations! It’s a drone, a worker, another drone, two more workers.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
We had an executive spot open up just last month. Are you interested?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS (in no particular order)
Since a management sheepskin’s her aim,
After four years, the cow won acclaim.
The diploma so glossy
Now shows the word “Bossy”
Was sure to be more than her name.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Congratulations! You can now run your own Chick-fil-A!
So, when will you be moooooving out?
Now that you’ll be working, there won’t be any more spring break trips to Pamplona.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Fellow Elon Community Church member Tom Conally wins this week with “Always stirring something up aren’t you?”
RUNNER-UPS
“Feeling a little down in the mouth today?”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
ALSO PICKED BY THE JUDGES, BUT WOULDN’T FIT IN THE PAPER …
Sorry about that cutting remark!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST LOCAL-THEMED CAPTION
Where’s this year’s reunion? Same as last year: Replacements Ltd.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS (in no particular order)
Said the butter knife, “Can you not see?
I am dull intellectually,
Got a question to ask?
I am not up to task.
Ask the steak knife. He’s sharper than me.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Just once, can’t he brush BEFORE dinner?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Do forks get dizzy while they twirl spaghetti?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
She needs to get more Jet-Dry. I’m getting spots.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
So, when did you and the dish elope?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST /WORST PUN
Yes, son, you’ve been a bad boa!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS (in no particular order)
“Just a D?!? Son, for that we won’t stand!
Tell me, what is the reason, young man?!?”
“Well, for me, it’s a task
When I’ve questions to ask,
Since I’ve no way for raising a hand.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon (Winning caption was in the same theme)
Other Entries
Don’t you know we’re supposed to be good at hissss-tory?
How can you almost fail arithmetic? We’re ADDERS!
Ken Sheldon, Elon (Runner up was was in the same theme as the second one.)
One more grade like that and I’m going to tan your asp!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
You were supposed to do experiments with the lab rats, not eat them!
Ken Sheldon, Elon (Runner up was in the same theme)
RUNNER-UPS
“See where loose living gets you?”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
AND SOME HONORABLE MENTIONS I PICKED
I miss Jake, but boy, that novocaine was AWESOME!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
So, he thinks the “Alfred E. Neuman Look” is in?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS (in no particular order)
Today, Jack got in somebody’s craw,
Took a really big hook to the jaw.
With that blow to his head
There’s a tooth gone. Instead
There’s a really cool space for a straw.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
At least now the dental floss won’t get stuck.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Now I know what it’s like to work for David Letterman.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
That’s what you get for scalping Ziggy’s R. Kelly tickets.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
So, you hear a whistling too?
You mean the Tooth Fairy is really... The Rock???
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
Last owners left in hurry - TV show bombed and got cancelled.
Our financing is so easy, even we could do it!
...and the nursery is already decorated with purple dinosaurs.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS (in no particular order)
Said the agent, “There’s no way to fake it.
This here cave is as big as they make it.”
The Neanderthals cried
With an echoed reply,
“We’ll take it! We’ll take it! We’ll take it!”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Guaranteed T. Rex proof!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Now this new unit is in the Jurassic Park development...
Ken Sheldon, Elon
This one’s got a man-cave like you wouldn’t believe!
In the back there’s a garage for your wheel.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
I declare this week’s “Chick-fil-a” gag writing session now open.
Now that we’ve gotten rid of all those dogs, maybe we can get some work done.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST/WORST PUN
All right - let’s get this meeting moooooooooving.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS (in no particular order)
In the boardroom, the bulls have one wish:
To look smarter, they’ll plug a new dish.
So they threw all their sway
In the Red Lobster way
‘Cause it’s simpler to spell “EAT MORE FISH.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
All right, let’s cut the bull!
You don’t want to know what you have to go through to get on the “steering” committee.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Sorry, guys, we’ve lost Steve. Ronald McDonald asked him over for lunch and he never came back.
Ken Sheldon, Elon