Only the limerick made the top, though I did make a mention of a previous cartoon targeting the Inside Joke category and the other referencing Tim's misspelling of the Nobel Prize.
BEST POEMS
“Read this pamphlet!” a chicken once cried.
“We are chickens! We have to show pride.
For we all can attest
Humans like chickens best
When they’re baked, broiled, battered or fried.”
But the other hen just turned and smiled.
“There’ s no need for you getting all riled.
There's not much to discuss.
Without man, there’s no us.
Could you see one of us in the wild?
“If we lived in the massive expanse
Of the forest, we haven't a chance!
We'd be killed living there
By a fox or a bear.”
“That's so true,” the first chicken then pants.
So the two trotted back to the coop.
And their pride they'll work hard to recoup.
But now each of them strives
Living both of their lives
Hoping they won't wind up in a soup.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other
Entries
These are the minutes of our executive board meeting of January 6, 2012.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Here's your ballot for the Noble Prize. It's not like the famous ones from Oslo and Stockholm, but we think it's pretty dignified.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Another good week - Runner up and two out of four made the top
RUNNER-UPS
Now, you know she's had some work done.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
After she flew off that cliff, I didn't think they'd EVER be able to get her fixed.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Actually, Ken, I was waiting for this one from you.
BEST POEMS
The red sports car is feeling quite sassy.
Makes the other cars eyes look so glassy.
All those stares she deserves
'Cause she's got the right curves.
They agree that she's got a nice chassis.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
It's like watching Michael Jackson leave his plastic surgeon's office.
I'd still say her rear end's too big.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Good week - Runner up and three of six made the top.
RUNNER-UPS
C'mon! I'm a basketball! We like shots!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS (our judges also gave the nod to these)
The bartender thinks I'd make a good bouncer.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
I went to a shrink three years ago, but that madness is back again.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Your memory is down-right scary
BEST POEMS
The sad basketball had to exclaim,
"My wife thinks that my job is so lame.
She said I cannot be
Taken seriously.
Well, you can't when your life is a game."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Yeah, my Republican Presidential bracket's shot too.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
What do you call a chicken that swears? An offensive fowl!
I'm on the rebound from the girl I was courting.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I saw a few cartoons from Randy Glasbergen with a similar premise, so I sent them to Tim as a special email, and did not submit them as mine. For the ones I did submit, 1 for 3 this week in the top.
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS (our judges also gave the nod to these)
...on the plus side, when the board sees how much we're saving from all the layoffs, I'm sure to get a huge bonus.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
And here you are again ... (must have been too long for the paper...)
BEST POEMS
Said the chief, “As you see in this chart,
We at first had a really good start.
But our earnings have slipped
So my job has been stripped.
Says the board, it is time we should part.”
So to help him get over this sting,
There’s a buyout that’s fit for a king.
Now he’s laughing a lot
Sitting there on his yacht.
Yes, a contract’s a wonderful thing!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Don't worry. All the charts at the Acme Roller Coaster Company look like this.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Now, when I ask the new SmartChart where the table is, it points right at it.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
They have been tougher than usual lately. Another oh-fer this week...
BEST
POEMS
Lots of research was done to reveal
That the William Tell story's not real.
Yet, it's popular. Why?
William's son could soon die,
And the apple has sure got appeal.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
I'm sorry, son. The store was all out of paintball supplies.
Yeah, they do grow their apples pretty big around here.
I know that song's supposed to be about me, but everyone keeps thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
This one was a bit harder for me than the previous few. One of four made the top this week.
BEST
INSIDE JOKE
This is what you get for getting your "Joke's On You" vote in late!
Ken Sheldon, Elon (See comic below for explanation)
BEST POEMS
The explorer's in lots of hot water
And the kettle just keeps getting hotter.
He'll be made into stew.
If that guy only knew
That would happen, he’d stay where he oughter.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other
Entries
You say everyone calls you "Stu?" So will we.
Oh, we like to leave the khaki on for seasoning.
When we're not eating, we like to use it for a hot tub.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Tim said the subject was harder than the previous few. I had four of nine captions make the top of the blog.
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS (our judges also gave the nod to these)
I SAID, "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR EAR???"
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Unfortunately, the vote for this caption came in from a judge after the deadline cut-off. Hence, your relegation to online-only status.
BEST INSIDE JOKE
I never noticed before that "Washington Crossing the Delaware" had Brewster rowing.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST/WORST PUN
We may be friends, but we're not in Louvre.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I don't know... Where do you want to Van Gogh?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
"Whistler's mom," said Van Gogh, "I do swear
When I canvas the other works there,
They believe at this hour
Your mood is too sour
From sitting alone in your chair."
Whistler's mom said to Vince, "Oil agree.
Can't a new life of easel be me?
I would sure be less cross
If I'm done by Bob Ross,
Spending life as a cute happy tree."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
I didn't whistle at you. It could have been my son.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I hear you're a post-impressionist artist. Can you still do Jimmy Cagney?
Let's go somewhere else. I'm tired of museums.
We've been framed!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
You mean it was caused by a new ear cleaner invented by Dr. Mel?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Had a runner up this week along with a close-but-no-cigar brush with the winner. In all, five of fifteen made the top of the blog.
RUNNERS-UP
I JST LRND Y U SHLDNT TXT N DRV
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!! WHEEE WHEEE WHEEE WHEEEEEEEEE!!!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
What's Mater's phone number?
I should have made that left turn in Albuquerque.
Darn! Now I'll never be able to get that dough I hid under the big "W".
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Don’t worry, Jonathan Winters will find it!
BEST POEMS
Lots of parents at some time will strive
To teach teenagers how they should drive.
They are glad that they make
That emergency brake
So that they will return home alive.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Route Recalculation...
Audrey, when they close a road, they put up big signs, like this one. AAAAHHHHHH!
Ken Sheldon, Elon (the first was really close to the winner
"Recalculating...", and the second is from the movie "National
Lampoon's Vacation")
Well, that's where the GPS wants us to go.
Don't worry! I saw a guy do this on the X-Games.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Well, dear, when I say we're going to drop in on your parents, I mean we're going to literally "drop in on your parents."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I saw the Love Bug do something like this...
Now, if we don't look down, we won't fall.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Son, this is NOT a Hot Wheels car!
NO! THE OTHER LEFT!
YEE-HAW! I saw them do this on "The Dukes of Hazzard!"
Ken Sheldon, Elon
This was my most productive week ever for entries, Got a runner up, and in all, four out of twenty-two made the top of the blog.
RUNNERS-UP
I'm not a real official, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS (our judges also gave the nod to these)
I'm sorry, but you should have gone before we left the locker room.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
Did you hear this on ESPN? The Ravens, Bengals, Bears, Lions, Colts, Jaguars, Falcons, Panthers, Dolphins, Eagles, Broncos, Cardinals, Seahawks and Rams have all named Dr. Tribbett as their team physician.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
This week, Pam was caught in a giant spider web until Dr. Mel killed it with a giant magazine when Brewster lured it into his "Tuffet of Doom" while dressed as Little Miss Muffet.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
It is tough as a football official.
You can not make a call prejudicial.
Though a coach cannot bawl
When you make a bad call,
Lots of sportscasters and the commish'll.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
You're right - Brady DOES have a nice butt.
Well, my ophthalmologist is Dr. Lipschitz. Who's yours?
They wouldn't let me bring my guide dog on the field.
Okay, well, uh... candlesticks always make a nice gift, and uh, maybe you could find out where she's registered and maybe a place-setting or maybe a silverware pattern.
(He missed my reference to Bull Durham)
The next penalty I'm announcing to the crowd in a rap!
Okay, now "heads" is the side with the president's head on, isn't it?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Say! Aren't you Enrico Palazzo? (He missed
my reference to The Naked Gun)
Ok...once...twice...dice...SHOOT!!! Rock beats scissors. Steve's call stands.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
What questionable call? I just want to go see a replay of that new Victoria's Secret commercial.
What are the odds of Madonna having a wardrobe malfunction during the halftime show?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Everybody got their anti-coach earplugs in?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Okay, for halftime, Steve wants a hot dog, Bob wants a piece of pizza, and Joe wants nachos.
Man, don't those linemen know how to use deodorant?
When I'm on the Jumbotron, my unibrow looks HUGE!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
So Steve, who's the quarterback on your fantasy team?
Ever get the feeling like you're being watched?
I felt that little rise in the end zone too. Maybe that's where Jimmy Hoffa's buried.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
No, it's not some sort of "cowboy thing." Only the referee gets a white hat, all the other officials get black hats.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Again, not much room for inside jokes. Two of four made the top of the blog.
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS (our judges also gave the nod to these)
I’ll make a deal: You don’t blow my house down, I don’t tell your friends about your choice of sleepwear.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Well, my brother is missing, and I was wondering...uh, do I smell bacon?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
Said the pig, “I should not make a peep,
But that wolf wears a nightcap to sleep.
This is not a complaint.
You could say that it’s quaint
And it beats dressing up like a sheep.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Red was right - you DO have big teeth.
Could I borrow you tomorrow? My leaf blower's broken.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
This week's cartoon didn't give much inspiration for inside jokes, so my numbers were down. One of six made the top of the blog.
BEST INSIDE JOKE
The newspaper is glad you’ve got that huge Bread Basket. Otherwise, they couldn’t print this cartoon.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
Milton Bradley had made a crowd pleaser
That was aimed at the youngster and geezer.
The objective? It was:
Would the player be buzzed
When their patient went under the tweezer?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Now that everything else is removed, we’ll have to do something about that “Rudolph Nose.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
…and after I remove the batteries, the operation should go a lot easier.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
We’re a low budget hospital. We don’t use instruments like scalpels and forceps, only tweezers.
My professor in Surgery 101? That was Dr. Milton Bradley.
I’m sorry, sir. We’re all out of gowns.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
This week was the fifth anniversary for the Jokes On You, and my win from October 2009 was features as one of Tim's favorites.
Two of six made the top of the blog this week.
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
… and not only that, cows can’t spell worth a lick either!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I hear Big Bertha got hired as a temp down at The New Yorker magazine.
Ken Sheldon, Elon (This was about this week's cartoon contest in The New
Yorker magazine.)
BEST POEMS
Said the hen, “I have gotten a notion.
Daily jogging’s a worthy devotion.
I will start up a group
From the girls in the coop
And we’ll call ourselves ‘Poultry in Motion’.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
I'm getting tired of working for chicken feed!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
My husband also likes to get up at the crack of dawn. I just wish I wouldn’t tell everyone about it when he does.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
This time of year you’ve got to watch out for that bunny stealing your eggs.
Chicken soup for a cold?!? Are you some kind of cannibal?!?
Ken Sheldon, Elon