Where I have taken Tim's cartoons:
candle
Kindle
cattle
cuttle
cat-kill
cut all
Coin Deal
cot tool...
Alliteration is STILL going on - with help again from Lewis Shilane and Mike Perry! As for my captions, 3 of 6 made the top of the blog.
BEST
INSIDE JOKE
I heard Ken needs you to fix his portable bed. That makes you his "cot tool." Do you know what that means?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Yes … I’m afraid I do …
“Rickard's gone from candle to Kindle to cattle to cuttle to cat-kill…
Ken Sheldon, Elon”
… to can dull... to can duel... to handle or to can't drill?
Lewis Shilane, Joplin, MO
Oh, no …
Help! Rickard's mind is stuck. "Rickard has gone from candle to Kindle to cattle to cuttle…" to canine and Colonna. "to claw hammer."
Mike Perry
Curse you Ken Sheldon!
Tim's having trouble posting this week's "Joke's On You" blog. Maybe you can go help him out.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
My real name's Brad, but they call me "Spike."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
(I didn’t know “Brad” was a kind of nail. Live and learn.)
BEST POEMS
“You’re a rapper? You think you can rhyme?”
Said the nail, “I would say it’s a crime.
For your rhymes? They’re not sweet
Since you can’t keep a beat.
There’s no way it can be Hammer Time.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Quit agreeing by saying, 'You've hit the nail on the head!' It brings back bad memories.
The difference between being involved and totally committed. When something's being built, you're involved, I'm totally committed.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I'd quit drinking if I were you. You really look hammered.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Runner-up again, three of eight made the top of the blog.
RUNNERS-UP
He's a really good babysitter. He'll keep the kids entertained for hours!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
He figures if he can break barrels with his hammer, he can get that cheese ball jar off Brewster’s head.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Candle...Kindle...continued
Help! Rickard's mind is stuck. "Rickard has gone from candle to Kindle to cattle to cuttle…" to canine and Colonna.
Henry, Greensboro
“Rickard's gone from candle to Kindle to cattle to cuttle to cat-kill…
Ken Sheldon, Elon”
… to can dull?
to can duel?
Lewis Shilane, Joplin, MO
AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
BEST POEMS
There’s a rumbling heard at Nintendo.
Parents say in a growing crescendo
Although, Mario’s fine,
We are drawing the line.
There are better ways that we should spend dough.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS (our judges also gave the nod to these)
He's a little weird. When the neighbors upstairs bother him, he just jumps up and punches the ceiling.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
He says there are rooms with lots of money in them – a real “Coin Deal.” Do you know what that means, Ken?
Going for the "candle...Kindle...cattle" thread we've had going for almost
two months...
Mario only works for Nintendo. So, what’s the exchange rate for a Ninten?
If he’s such a great plumber, why have I never seen him with a wrench?
What’s a Donkey Kong?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Tim's memo said today's outfit is a red top with blue bottoms. What's up with the khakis?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Only one of four made the top along with the limerick (a civics lesson, none the less), but I (along with a couple other readers) am having fun with my "candle to Kindle to cattle to" line of jokes... )
BEST INSIDE JOKE
Yes, Scissors, we know you “cut all”. We just hope Ken doesn’t figure that out.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
“Rickard's gone from candle to Kindle to cattle to cuttle to cat-kill…
Ken Sheldon, Elon”
… to can dull?
Lewis Shilane, Joplin, MO
"I want to see how Ken handles the candle, Kendle, cuttle etc...thing THIS time."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro
See what you started, Ken? I blame you.
BEST POEMS
“You know, Scissors and Paper,” said Rock
“There are some who may think it’s a crock.
To a twisted extent,
We could all represent
Every government branch. It’s a shock!
“Paper’s just like the branch legislative.
They make laws that affect every native.
On the paper they’re written.
There’s some who are smitten
And call legal language creative.
“The judicial branch job is it looks
At the laws with their clauses and hooks.
Lots of cases it hears,
And like judges with shears,
It can cut certain laws from the books .”
But the paper then started to mock,
“This example I may have to knock.”
Said the stone, “Do not chide!
The executive side
Is just perfect for me! I’m Ba-rock!”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
You know, Scissors, the way your eyes just float in the air is really creeping me out.
Why, yes, I DO mind if you cut in.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
We wish we could go jogging with you, but our parents said that we shouldn’t run with the scissors.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
OK week - I wasn't too inspired by this one. 2 or 4 made the top along with the limerick
BEST INSIDE JOKE
Don't make us waste you. That would mean Rickard's gone from candle to Kindle to cattle to cuttle to cat-kill…
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Please … someone make him stop …
Awright, Cat. What did ya do wid dat boid and dat goldfish?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEM
The two dogs are both part of the mob.
They’ve a problem that makes their heads throb.
But they figured out that
When you seek "dirty rats,"
You should hire a cat for the job.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Listen up, Pussy Cat. Cooperate with me and Knuckles won't ruff you up.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Pay up or you’ll find yourself wearing a cement litter box!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Got runner up again (and it made the paper too!!!) Four of five made the top of the blog...
RUNNERS-UP
What are you in for?
Ken Sheldon, Joan Showfety
BEST INSIDE JOKE
So, you're the anchorman on "The Bird News?"
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Wow. Impressive. And scary.
So that bone you use to keep your beak and claws sharp means that we could say Rickard has gone from candle to Kindle to cattle to
cuttle…
Ken Sheldon, Elon
That’s it! It’s time-out for you, young man!
I heard about the story that Jon Arbuckle read to Garfield last Friday. Scary stuff!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
“You know, Polly,” said our fish Edwina,
“I’d watch out for that cat named Regina.
I’ve a hunch that we’re prey
When that cat, every day,
Calls you ‘Fancy Feast’ while I’m ‘Purina.’”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entry
I see they cleaned your cage. So, what’s news at the Winston-Salem Journal this week?
Ken Sheldon (I would have thought they'd like to see the competing newspaper
being used to line a birdcage...)
Good week again - made runner-up (but not the paper - D*^%^& narrower format!!!) Five of seven made the top of the blog, and for my 100th JOU limerick, I did another pun laden epic.
RUNNERS-UP
And one more that there wasn’t room for in the paper:
The hen house wants revenge for all those Chick-Fil-A ads you were in.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
Of course, we're in a quality cartoon! We were drawn by the North Carolina Press Association's first place winner for graphics for 2010!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
And don’t forget that!
Rickard's outdone himself this week. Two weeks ago: candle jokes. Last week: Kindle jokes. This week: cattle jokes.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Now if you had seen Dr. Tribbett like they recommended, I wouldn't be here today.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
The hen house wants revenge for all those Chick-Fil-A ads you were in.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
The first – and therefore the only one I’ll list – of the many Chik-fil-a references.
FOR YOU MONTY PYTHON FANS …
I'll meet you outside the castle after the Frenchmen catapult you at King Arthur.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEM
Jesse Porter was really a stud.
Raising cattle was sure in his blood.
But this tail will re-veal
Jesse’s fatal ordeal.
That he’d try to forget if he cud.
Jesse’s fodder, while driving the truck,
Steer-ed away in avoiding a duck.
Moo-ving twenty-five head,
Cattle Jesse had bred,
On a railroad track he was stuck.
It’s no bull. A train headed his way.
They can’t hide. It was sure not his day.
“You’ll get creamed!” it would warn
When the train blew its horn.
Jesse’s truck, it was t-boned away.
There was udder confusion, a tizzy.
Watching everything drove folks hoof dizzy!
But the fate that beef-ell
On the cattle? 'Twas hell!
Let’s just say the Cow Reaper was busy.
At the Porter house, Jesse just weeps
With the roast of the cattle he keeps.
He had so much at steak!
How much cash could he make
If he switched and began raising sheep?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Sorry. Ken called and said he's in the mood for a thick porterhouse.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
It's not what you think - I like to cut my own hay, and too much sun dries out my skin.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I didn't expect much, since I don't have a Kindle. However, did rather well. 4 of 5 made the top of the blog (one twice), and I was the only one in a long time to submit a poem.
BEST INSIDE JOKE
Yeah, Rickard's the master of segues. Last week: candle jokes. This week: Kindle jokes.
Ken Sheldon
Brewster was wondering if you had instructions on how to remove crayon from a screen.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Do you have "Close Encounters of the Worst Kind?"
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
Luke. I am your father.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
With the advent of Amazon’s Kindle
Books on paper are starting to dwindle.
All those books it can store!
A few thousand or more!
That’s way more than a book bag can hindle!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS (our judges also gave the nod to these)
Luke. I am your father.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entry
Face it. A background with lots of books on a bunch of shelves looks intellectual. A background with lots of Kindles on a bunch of shelves just looks nerdy.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
After two weeks out of the paper, I'm back in. 5 of 9 made the top along with the limerick.
RUNNERS-UP
See where being hot-headed got you?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
Strange…while you were outside when it was blowing, I kept thinking of Marilyn Monroe.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
You weren't in the Conservatory with Colonel Mustard when the murder happened, were you?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST/WORST PUN
I can see how you'd feel a little light-headed.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
How did I know the two candle sharks were approaching? I saw the pair-a-fins.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
Candles scented like White Zinfandel,
Pine, Vanilla and Holly as well.
All the Southerners drawl,
As they stroll in the mall,
“Bless their hearts! But those Yankees sure smell!”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
You’ll get over her. Soon, she’ll be just an old flame.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
At least we have these cool holders to stand in. Our little brothers all got stuck in a cake.
So, the electricity was out at your house for four hours?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
My favorite Loverboy song? That's easy! "Working For the Wick-end!"
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Didn't make the paper again, but still made three of four in the top.
BEST INSIDE JOKE
So, Oort, is Brewster Rockit really as clueless as Rickard makes him out to be?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
Let me tell you about when I worked with John Lithgow…
Ken Sheldon, Elon
We’ve all been invited to make a Diet Dr. Pepper commercial!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
In the Creature Club, members are buzzin’.
Rumors ran through the room by the dozen.
Members had to compare.
With his height and his hair,
It means Sasquatch is Chewbacca’s cousin.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
We're starting a chapter in Washington for honest politicians.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Didn't make the paper, but still did well. Four of five made the top of the blog along with the limerick.
BEST INSIDE JOKE
I think when Mom dyed my hair, she got some of my hat
too.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
I just heard Julian Assange’s in town. You’re going to need more fingers.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Don’t go away. There’s a guy from a paint company here who thinks you’d make a great mascot.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST CAPTION WITH A LOCAL CONNECTION
Oh, Hans Brinker’s out of town. He heard there’s a lot of ice skating going on in Greensboro and he went to check it out.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEM
Heidi said to the hero named Pete,
“When it’s fixed, want to go out to eat?”
When they went the next day,
Did she make Peter pay?
Well, of course not. They both went Dutch treat.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS (our judges also gave the nod to these)
I just heard Julian Assange’s in town. You’re going to need more fingers.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
When I heard you were giving the dike the finger, I had pictured something entirely different!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Made runner up again in all, 5 of 8 made the top of the blog along with the three stanza limerick
RUNNERS-UP
We don't go to Home Depot. Everything we need is at Payless.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
The kids have all voted for “Brewster Rockit” in the “Washington Post” comics poll. He’s a lock to win.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
THAT’S why I did so well! (4th place! Woo-hoo!)
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
After they almost foreclosed on the house in La Habra, I thought moving my 14 kids here made better financial sense.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I thought I knew what this referenced, but I had to Google it to be sure.
BEST/WORST PUN
We’re not rich, but we are well-heeled.
I’m into cooking sole food.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
Kate Gosselin’s unsure what to do.
Ratings said that her show should be through.
The producers then thought
And then said that she ought
To just move her whole clan to a shoe.
“But what for?” Kate was thinking out loud.
“Of my children, I really am proud.”
They replied, “Some day soon, your
Show’s played on Nick Jr.
We’ll corner the Mother Goose crowd.”
Kate agreed, “Some might say it’s a sin.
But the ratings war, we want to win.
We should do it that way,
Since I’m dreading the day
Cousin Oliver has to move in.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
You wouldn't believe our Odor-Eaters bills.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
After killing that giant, Jack had get rid of all his
clothes. So, I said, "What the heck."
Next year we're moving up to a boot.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Made runner up - two out of six made the top of the blog along with the limerick.
RUNNERS UP
I guess making rugs out of Cindy Bear and Boo Boo was a bad idea.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
You know, Dr. Tribbett, you should have told Yogi what a prostate exam was before you gave him one.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEMS
Yogi’s trapped two guys over his head.
From a picnic, the both of them fled.
What is wrong? Why’d he flip?
There’s no burgers and chips.
They brought bean sprouts and tofu instead.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
We just came to hike! We didn't bring any pic-a-nic baskets!
You know, Mr. Trump, it was YOUR idea to turn Jellystone Park into a casino.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I'm not getting personal, it's just a rhetorical question. I know you do it in the woods!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Okay! We won't use our bulldozers to tear down Jellystone Park! You've turned us into tree-huggers! See?
Ken Sheldon, Elon