Greensboro, NC News & Record "The Joke's On You" Contest

Cartoon for March 26, 2010

Good week - made the paper as a runner up, with a perfect four for four making the top of the blog along with the limerick.

RUNNERS-UP
You must feel better about yourself since you've come out of the carton.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST INSIDE JOKE
I'm happy for you. That Tupperware bowl and that milk jug just don't shut up, do they?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

If you see Rickard while you’re out, ask him why the blog’s so late.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST/WORST PUN
Trust me. You may think it's something to dye for, but it's not all it's cracked up to be, and that's no yolk.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
A three-fer.

BEST POEM
“I’m egg-cited!” the Easter Egg cried.
“On the yearly egg-scursion, I’ll ride
With the famed Easter Bunny.
For you, it it’s not funny.
Egg-spect someday soon to be fried.”

Ken Sheldon, Elon


Cartoon for March 19, 2010

Lately it's been hard to get captions that I think work, so my entries have been down. 1 of 2 made the top of the blog with the limerick.

BEST/WORST PUN
Boy, you are so observant! You let nothing get pasteurize!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEM
Tubs of Tupperware, people are fillin’.
Put in Frigidaires, where they’re kept chillin’.
In the months they're unseen,
They'll turn fuzzy and green
Like they’re making homemade penicillin.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries 
Don't worry about me telling. I'll keep a lid on it.
Ken Sheldon, Elon


Cartoon for March 12, 2010

Went three for three today in the top of the blog along with the limerick.

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCES
Darn! Clark tied Aunt Edna to the roof and they're driving off!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST LOCAL CAPTION
Darn! The Tarheels just beat William and Mary in the NIT. We'll just have to wait a little longer.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST INSIDE JOKE
OK – I get the donkey and you get the elephant.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEM
Bill’s employed as a hospital nurse.
Through a desert, he tried to traverse.
But he soon became lost
And would pay quite a cost
As his health took a turn for the worse.

Nearby, vultures sat, ever so still.
They anticipate eating their fill.
They’re like those who debate
That they really can’t wait
For the death of the doomed health-care Bill.

Ken Sheldon, Elon


Cartoon for March 5, 2010

How could you see this one and not go political? Two of five made the top along with the limerick and a psychic.

BEST PSYCHIC CAPTION (for next week’s cartoon that hasn’t run yet.)
You know, Mortimer, THIS is the year Duke and Duke should have cornered the market in orange juice.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

MATURE
I know it's not polite, dear. But lots of elephants refer to donkeys by that other name.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST INSIDE JOKE
It looks like you're going to have to pay attention in Social Studies if you're going to win the Junior Division of this week's "Joke's On You."
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEM
“Finished working?” the elephant said.
“You look blue, so let’s go out instead.”
They hit bars left and right
And they partied all night
In an effort to paint the town red.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
They can't agree on the color of the fence? How can they agree on how to fix the hospital?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

It looks like there's going to be a fight. I wonder which one is going to picket...
Ken Sheldon, Elon (Going for a bad pun hit here...)

I'm surprised they could even stand to be on the same side of the fence.
Ken Sheldon, Elon


Cartoon for February 26, 2010

This week was another tough one, so I didn't send in a lot of captions. However, I did get my first mention in an inside joke. 

BEST INSIDE JOKE
I see JOU submissions from the law firm of Tuggle, Tribett, and Sheldon
Jon Barsanti, Jr

The results - 1 of 4 making the top of the blog along with the limerick.


BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCES
It says you will have a hit single called " Bang a Gong " ! (anybody?????)
Darrell Clark

Don’t worry, Darrell, Ken won’t leave you hanging.

That's odd... I'm seeing you banging a gong.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
See?

BEST POEM
“What’s my fate?” asked the T-Rex named Morris.
“Ask the crystal ball sitting before us.”
“Son, your destiny is
As a synonym whiz,
And you'll get a new nickname: Thesaurus.”

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
I don't recommend going to La Brea. I see tar. Lots of tar.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I do not recommend changing your name to Barney.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Dorothy, I see Auntie Em. She's having a... wait.... cut.... I'm getting hungry. Can someone get me a lawyer?
Ken Sheldon, Elon (Going for a double cultural reference here - The "Jurassic Park" production of "The Wizard of Oz" )


Cartoon for February 19, 2010

This week's was a bit tougher - 2 of 6 made the top along with the limerick.

BEST INSIDE JOKE
After seeing last week’s “Joke’s On You,” I got to wondering: Do you get any of your building supplies from Mars?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEM
When the wicked witch needed to shop
For a handyman, she found a flop.
It sounds odd, don’t you know,
That he won’t work for dough;
The down payment’s a large lollipop.

But the handyman started to duck her
And the witch believed he really stuck her.
He won’t fix her abode?
He’s turned into a toad!
You just can’t take a witch for a sucker.

Ken Sheldon, Elon
What is it about Guys named “Ken” that make them good limerick writers?

OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS (our judges also gave the nod to these)
Three little pigs? They’re all staying at the brick house south of here.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
I just found out I'm a diabetic. Can you build one out of Splenda?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

The builder forgot to put a flue in my chimney.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Can you put an escape door on my oven?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I swear - those kids are eating me out of house and home!
Ken Sheldon, Elon


Cartoon for February 12, 2010

Today's had to do with Tim Tribbett's caption first getting selected by the "New Yorker" magazine as a finalist in their cartoon contest, and then being unselected. We got to write captions for the same cartoon (well, a Rickard version...) Thus, it was rather easy to target them along with the various space/alien links. Very good week without making the paper - 12 of 13 made the top of the blog along with the limerick.

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCES
(There were so many, I’m sure I’ve overlooked a few …)

Yes, Mr. Beldar, your cone-ectomy was a complete success.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I only played in that cantina band to earn my tuition for med school.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Take two Reese's Pieces and call me in the morning.
chay' 'oH maH DaHjaj?

Ken Sheldon, Elon
I give up. Is this Klingon? (Yes - "How are we today?")

I practiced psychology until I had Mork and Alf as patients.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Yes, Mr. Tanner, I do know Gordon Shumway. Why do you ask?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST INSIDE JOKE (No, by “inside”, I don’t mean probe jokes. Those are below)
I’m sorry, Melvin. Dressing up like a human isn’t going to help you. You’re still a mutant mayfly.
Ken Sheldon, Elon (This week's Brewster Rockit was about Melvin the mutant mayfly - has a lifespan of one day)

Dr. Tribbett, you will be happy to know that I’ve removed all the copies of “The New Yorker” magazine from my waiting room.
Well, Mr. Winky, your spleen has a lot of scarring, but it should be okay.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

I agree. What “The New Yorker” did to Dr. Tribbett is kinda like a prostate exam.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

MATURE (PROBE AND URANUS JOKES GO HERE)
I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The good news: on my planet, we don’t use anal probes. The bad news: we use the other side.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEM
Last December first, Brewster did go
To the doctor. His feet had a glow.
T’was a sickness from space
And a really bad case.
He found out that he had mistletoe.

Ken Sheldon, Elon
Did you mean “missiletoe?”

OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS (our judges also gave the nod to these)
As a proctologist, I must say you’ve got the worst case of asteroids I’ve ever seen.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
There's been some changes here at County General Hospital since the show got picked up by SyFy,
Ken Sheldon, Elon (Tim R missed the "ER" / Syfy link here? That would have made me 13 for 13.)


Cartoon for February 5, 2010

Although I didn't make the paper, I had a good week. Since I remembered footballs and basketballs from previous cartoons, I put them to use. Six of seven captions made the top of the blog along with the limerick.

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCES
Did you hear about what happened to Wilson?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
W-I-I-L-L-SON!!!

BEST INSIDE JOKE
It’s a kind of madness my family goes through every March. Last year, my husband wound up going to a shrink.


Ken Sheldon, Elon

I feel SO much better than I did last year since I had that operation!


Ken Sheldon, Elon
(Images are from previous JOU cartoons. Ken has too much time on his hands.)

BEST LOCAL CAPTION
My son got accepted at UNCG. I’m sorry yours didn’t.
Ken Sheldon, Elon (This was based on a caption I entered when the two football cartoon ran a year ago.)

BEST/WORST PUN
Your whole family is so straight-laced. How do you do it?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEM
All the football’s tea parties, they say,
Are akin to a brewing buffet.
There’s all kinds: white and green,
Black and oolong are seen
With some jasmine and pots of Earl Grey.

Though her parties will always astound,
Not a golf ball will ever be found.
For whenever she’d call,
“It’s now tea time, you all!”
Every golf ball would go play a round.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS (our judges also gave the nod to these)
Yeah, this snow has my kids bouncing off the walls too.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

OTHER ENTRIES
What's this I hear about your kids liking to hang out of the roof?
Ken Sheldon, Elon


Cartoon for January 29, 2010

Pretty good week this week. Made runner up for the third week in a row. In total, four for eight made the top of the blog along with the limerick. Couldn't come up with a good psychic...

RUNNERS-UP
Yeah, for me, every day is a bad hair day.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST INSIDE JOKE
My hair was fine until I told Rickard I liked Sheldon’s rap. Then he did this to me!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST/WORST PUN
I saw a movie about my condition once. It was called “Snakes on a Mane.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

When I heard you were a “Hiss and Hers” hair salon, I figured you could help.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEM
When Medusa went by, men would gasp.
It’s a fact that most folks cannot grasp.
They will say they don’t care
For the snakes in her hair.
All her beaus said she had a nice asp.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
I never could get a good haircut. The stylists who didn't die always had to use a mirror.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Yes, I bought a new shampoo from a snake oil salesman. Why do you ask?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

When they toss the garter at MY wedding, it won't be one used to hold up my stockings.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I told my last stylist I wanted to be a redhead. Instead, she made me a copperhead.
Ken Sheldon, Elon


Cartoon for January 22, 2010

A first today - two Runner-Up entries. One made another sub-category in the top of the blog along with the limerick and psychic entry. Not surprisingly, a after last week's feature on me in the paper, the poetry section had several entries, including a couple limericks.

RUNNERS-UP
Who cares if she’s got buck teeth? We’ve ALL got buck teeth!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I’m sick of Ward and June always leaving it to us!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
I really love those 100 calorie snack packs when I’m on a diet. They’re so good, I usually eat three or four all at once.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCES
I’m sick of Ward and June always leaving it to us!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEM

Forest tempers have gotten much hotter
Since the otters’ home’s under the water
From the beavers’ new dam.
So they asked beaver Sam,
“Can you help us relocate? You otter.”

So then Sam took the phone and went callin’,
Got a van to do all of their haulin’.
All the otters around
Came and started a town,
And in honor of Sam, it’s called “Gnaw-lins”

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
Dam!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Irving, I'm going to have to write you up. You're not busy enough.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Have you heard? Now PETA wants Punxsutawney to replace Cousin Phil with a robot!!!
Ken Sheldon, Elon (This is absolutely true! And the Cousin reference? Groundhogs and beavers are both rodents...)


Cartoon for January 15, 2010

On the one year anniversary of my first of three wins, (and my first limerick entry in "The Joke's on You"), Tim Rickard ran a special article in the January 22 edition of the Greensboro News & Record featuring some of my limericks that I have sent in. From the blog:

If you haven’t checked out the front page of this section, do yourself a favor. It features a collection of limerick samplings from past JOU toons from The Jokes on You’s Poet Laureate Ken Sheldon. The link is:

webmedia.news-record.com/legacy/indepth/09/jou_poems/

And also on the blog, Ken tries his hand at rapping. Stick to the limericks, Ken

Hey, Tim! Do I look like a rapper? You've seen the picture! No gold in my mouth! No hat on sideways! I'm closer to "Weird Al" Yankovic in "White and Nerdy!"

Anyways, the results for the week included a runner up, five of my eight entries making the top of the blog along with the psychic entry, limerick and (shudder) the rap. 

And to Tim Rickard, thanks ever so much for the feature! You will probably see the sales numbers for today's edition go up for all the copies I'll be sending up to the folks in New York state! And I promise, unless another phenomenon like "Pants On The Ground" ever comes up, that I will never, EVER write another rap!

RUNNERS-UP
Hey! Doesn’t that new clerk look just like Conan O'Brien?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
Tonight at 8:00 PM, on the Golf Channel: “Extreme Makeover: Tiger Edition”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCES
Down at Peebles, they tried selling gorillas. It didn't go very well.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Yeah, I remember my days at the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm…
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST/WORST PUN
Some puppies really hated the squawking birds, but to me, they were just a mynah annoyance.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I’m glad I’m out. Life was ruff in there.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST(?) RAP SONG 

Done to the beat of "Pants On the Ground")
Plants on the ground
Plants on the ground
Markin’ out your space on the plants on the ground.

Walkin’ up to a tree
Then you turn sideways
Lookin’ around
Wanna chase a fool cat
Lots of doggie drool
Whizzin’ on trees and the plants on the ground.

Lift your leg, hey!
Mark the plants on the ground.
Lots of doggie drool.
Barkin’, markin’ on the plants on the ground.

Lift your leg, hey!
Mark the plants on the ground.
Markin’ out your space on the plants on the ground.

Ken Sheldon, Elon 

BEST POEM
Cowboy Auggie, while driving his oxen
Is so lonely, the boredom, it shocks him.
“Get along, little doggie,”
He’d heard. So ol’ Auggie’s
Decided to purchase a Dachshund.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Other Entries
They have a dog washing machine in there. The spin cycle's hell!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

No wonder he's been in the window so long. His tail isn't wagglely enough.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I hated it in there. It always smelled like shih tzu.
Ken Sheldon, Elon


Cartoon for January 8, 2010

Went two for six for the first cartoon of the year, along with the limerick (which I forgot to put my name on...) and the psychic.

PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
In a shocking new development at “American Idol”, the final original judge, Randy Jackson, will also retire at the end of this season. His replacement? Another Jackson: Reggie.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

MATURE
It’s so bad, I don’t even think Preparation H will help.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

It’s been like that ever since I had that one-night-stand. Think I should see a doctor?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST POEM(S)
Now the firefly does lots of smilin’
Since he left his home up in the highland.
Yes, he’s now all aglow,
And it’s quite apropos
Since he moved next to Three Mile Island.


Other Entries
It's weird. Mine only comes on when I'm backing up.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I think humans should have one for when they have a really stupid idea.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I've heard we use our blinkers more than a lot of drivers do.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I don't like those new fluorescent replacements. They make me do barrel rolls when I try to fly.
Ken Sheldon, Elon