Eased back on the entries this week, going more for quality instead of quantity. 1 of 5 made the top of the blog along with the limerick and three psychic entries.
PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
Well, Mr. Polanski, you should know...my name is Chris Hansen, and I’m with Dateline NBC...
I’m sorry, Conan, the network has changed your contract. You have to wear that helmet when doing any more physical stunts on the show.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
You mean someone got in trouble for saying one of the "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television" on the show whose first host was the guy who wrote the list?
Ken Sheldon
BEST POEM
“On the ark it’s so boring,” sighed Noah.
“Time just passes by sloah and sloah.
Though I did what God said,
I am looking ahead
To when we will return back to shoah”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST/WORST PUN
We’ve gotta go back – the elephants said they forgot to pack their trunks.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
It's probably too late to let you know I'm allergic to animal dander.
You really should have put in better ventilation downstairs.
I didn't see the unicorns get on. Did you?
When the storm lets up, all these animals are going back to the Atlanta Zoo.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I didn't do very well this week, and after seeing the winning captions, I could see why. 1 of 9 made the top along with the limerick and psychic entry.
PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
What did I do for Talk Like a Pirate Day? I downloaded a cracked copy of Microsoft Office, a couple movies and the entire Beatles catalogue, all for free. Then I told everybody about it.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
Why, yes. I AM a cousin of Jeff Goldblum. How could you tell?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEM
The queen’s stumped in her parenting role.
Raising well-behaved larvae’s her goal.
So just like Supernanny,
This Orkin guy Danny
Will get her pests under control.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
I need you to get rid of this kid with a magnifying glass.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Can you get rid of aardvarks?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I've got an in-law problem...
Can you do something about telemarketers?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I need you to make a hit on my husband, Uncle.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I'm sorry if I startled you. We're holding the annual Entomology Department costume party right now.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
This darned kid keeps shaking the farm, destroying all our tunnels...
Ken Sheldon, Elon
If I were you, I wouldn't be finishing off the leftover Cajun Surprise before going to bed.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Good week this week: Made the paper with a runner up, and 5 of 8 captions made the top of the blog along with the limerick and the psychic entry.
RUNNERS-UP
Awwwwk! Don’t worry! She’ll never find out! She’ll never find out! Awwwwwk!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
Yup! Kanye West is in with Rickard arguing about this
week’s “Joke’s on You” winner.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
The next time you turn off my Jimmy Buffet CD, I’m soiling the coffee table!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Not really obscure to parrot-heads.
BEST INSIDE JOKE
Geez Louise, just be patient! Tim will get the “Joke’s On You” blog updated when he’s good and ready!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Awwwk! Pam wants a coffee! Pam wants a coffee! NOW!! Awwwwk!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
SO ENIGMATIC IT’S FUNNY
…then I said to the magician, "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEM
A free parrot we got from the vet’s,
But today we have got some regrets.
You might call it absurd
That I brought home a bird
With a really bad case of Tourette’s.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
For the last time, my name's Peter, NOT POLLY!
I've had it with crackers. How about a beer?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Not too bad - 2 of 8 in the top along with the limerick and psychic entry.
PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
You were out of the “The Beatles: Rock Band” game, so I got “Milli Vanilli: Rock Band” instead. The problem is: the box was empty…
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
We’re back? Must be Tim’s got another case of insomnia…
Ken Sheldon, Elon (This is in reference to an interview I found Tim
Rickard gave the Washington Post in 2007: "Heck, a few months back I did a
series featuring doughnut people. This happens when you don't get enough
sleep.")
BEST POEM
NASCAR’s hot. It makes some people go nuts.
It needs money, no ifs, ands or no buts.
It could use, it would seem
Someone like Krispy Kreme
Who could sponsor the victory donuts.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS
You shouldn’t have told that barber, “Just a little off the top.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Don't ever...EVER...tempt a cop!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
That convicted multiple murderer makes doughnuts out of Cheerios. They're called cereal crullers.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Nope. I can't smell anything either...
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I'm tellin' ya. If that guy goes "Time to make the doughnuts" one more time, I'm gonna scream!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
To all you Carolina Panther fans out there: We know we remind you of their win total in the pre-season. They will get better. We promise. Thank you.
Ken Sheldon, Elon (I liked this one!)
C'mon, Ralph, you can tell us. What's eatin' ya?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
This week's cartoon, to me, kinda pointed to inside jokes - did well with them though. Four out of eight made the top along with the limerick. (The psychic also hit in the inside joke category too)
PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
Here’s a quarter. Made a wish that Winky can get that creature back into the cage without hurting his spleen.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Also, an inside joke candidate
BEST INSIDE JOKE
Well, we COULD have made a wish if you hadn’t lost your wallet on that “Tunnel of Love” ride.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Every day, Rickard comes by, tosses in a buck and whispers “Make Brewster bigger than Peanuts.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Instead, I'm just WORKING for peanuts! Am I right, people?!
Here’s a quarter. Made a wish that Winky can get that creature back into the cage without hurting his spleen.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I see Bucky’s cousin’s found a job.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEM
Maude and Jake passed a wishing well when
Maude thought, “Can’t I turn Jake on again?
My old body’s the pits.”
Then she threw in two bits.
“Make me look more attractive to men.”
So then Maude turned and said to him “Jake,
It’s a wishing well, for goodness sake!”
Then Jake cried out, “My gawd!”
For he noticed that Maude
Had turned into a porterhouse steak.
Ken Sheldon
Other Entries
You go in and get that quarter I threw in, and I'll go to the car. My wish might come true after all.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Stupid dog... Told us Timmy's in the well, but he's not here.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
This is the Duggar Maternity Wing. Granted, it has only one room, but it DOES get lots of use.
Ken Sheldon, Elon (This was meant as a psychic entry - didn't get put
there though...)
Unfortunately, there's more in the bottom of that thing than in our retirement fund thanks to Bernie Madoff.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Good week this week. Made the paper with a runner up caption along with a birthday wish for my wife and a mention of the limerick (which I was rather proud of) .
In all 4 of 6 captions made the top of the blog along with the limerick and the psychic entry.
RUNNERS-UP
I keep having the same dream. At the end of a round I’m eaten by a clown.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
I guess it was a long summer. I’ve never seen hand prints worn into a video game controller like that before.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST/WORST PUN
Putt ‘er there!
Ken Sheldon
I don’t like eating in the bunkers. All they serve is sandwiches there.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEM
At the tournaments held like the Wyndham,
Hopes are high as the golfers begyndham.
It’s in all of their prayers.
The goal of the players
Wythyndham: They’re yndham to wyndham.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
clever
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS
Oh, the usual… Going for a drive, doing a little ironing, puttering around. How about you?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Don't sweat it. We all look like we had real bad acne at one time.
We'll never fit in that hole if they leave the flag in.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
An interesting addition to the blog this week was a list of multiple winners and runners up. I have two wins (consecutive at that) and 5 runners up, so I didn't make that list, but I am listed. Not bad for a contest that's been going on for as long as it has that I've only been entering for about 8 months.
Not too bad this week - 3 of 7 made the top (the entire Inside Joke category) along with the limerick and the psychic.
PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
No, we’re not reenacting the traffic going to Woodstock. We’re just driving to the first day of classes at GTCC.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
I’m sorry. I meant to say “Do you have today’s ‘News & Record’”, not the “Winston-Salem Journal.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
All I did at the book signing was tell Rickard some of his Brewster Rockit plots were a bit contrived…
Ken Sheldon, Elon
… And tell your friends!
It was brutal! Zinger after zinger! First Clark, then Tribbett! Clark! Tribbett! They were killing ‘em left and right! I was lucky to get outta there alive!
Ken Sheldon, Elon (Referring to last week's Battle of the Giants Joel
Clark and Tim Tribbett)
BEST POEM
“Sue loves Cajun cuisine!” Jerome thought.
“So I’ll get her that cookbook she’s sought.
I will get the book signed
And inscribed! What a find!”
So with love, he gave Sue what he bought.
She yelled, “How could you do this, Jerome!”
As she bashed the book into his dome.
Though he thought it said “cooked”,
It had read that she looked
Like the New Orleans chef Paul Prudhomme.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
Seems I'm not ready for "Self-Defense for Dummies." Do you have "Self-Defense for Complete Imbeciles?"
Don't let your books go overdue with Conan the Librarian.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Are you the person who sold my wife the book about knife throwing?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I should have looked at your hands before I bought that book you suggested: "How to Hand-Feed Starving, Crazed Weasels."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
This week was another case of a caption that I thought would to well didn't make the paper, while another one I didn't think much of did. 3 of 6 captions made the top of the blog, along with the Psychic entry and limerick
RUNNERS-UP
You know, if you made your Life Savers a lot smaller, people might really like them.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
Wait, you want ME to tell you what my husband wants? I am not going to be channeling my husband! Bill will tell you what he wants from the bar when he gets back from the men’s room.
Ken Sheldon
BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
I see you didn’t get the “B.C.” style with the axle you stand on.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Don’t worry, Keith. I’m sure you and Mick will come up with a name for your band somehow.
Ken Sheldon, Elon (This is the one I thought had a real good
chance...)
BEST POEM
Alley Oop said, “What else could be coola
Than a car with four wheels, my dear Ooola?
Some day plants will be built,
Making cars at full tilt,
Then they're bailed out with taxpayer moolah!”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
It looks like the name for a type of music: Rock and Roll.
Ken Sheldon
I need to borrow the wheel to go shopping. The other girls think I dress too much like Fred Flintstone.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Are you getting that insured by Geico?
Ken Sheldon, Elon (I honestly thought more people than just me would
submit a Geico gag...)
Got back from vacation this week, so I had a short week. 1 Caption out of 5 made the top of the blog, along with the psychic entry and the limerick.
PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
"In a show of support for their younger brother, Prince Michael and Paris Jackson are demanding that they be referred to by their new names: Pillow Sham and Dust Ruffle."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
So, Walter, tell me about these dummy friends of yours. You know - Peanut, Bubba J, José Jalapeño and Achmed the Dead Terrorist.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Think ventriloquist Jeff Dunham ...
BEST POEM
Years ago, he defended her honor.
Now he wishes his wife was a goner.
He would give her a shove
In the Tunnel of Love
If the stream was filled up with piranha.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
I heard the ride operator got demoted from his desk job after that Jon and Kate fiasco.
Every time we ride this, you wind up falling asleep at the end.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I though it was really rude of you to scream "DON'T DO IT!" to every guy in line.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Could we ride this just one time without you humming the theme to "Gilligan's Island?"
Ken Sheldon, Elon
This week's was a "Beat the Cartoonist" week. No exact matches, but a pretty good week - since I went on vacation, I had all my entries in on the first day - Friday. Three of six made the top of the blog along with the limerick and the psychic entry.
PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
Tim, here are your new “Jokes On You” judges. Bubba here was a bouncer, Alice worked at the DMV, Vinnie is a former drill sergeant, and Frank just got fired from the U.S. Postal Service.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
Shirley, you jest?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
… And don’t call me Shirley …
BEST INSIDE JOKE
I think he’d look better in the hat on the Joke’s On You blog.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEM
This performer’s a court jester who’ll
Amuse kings who can sometimes be cruel.
At the king, he can’t scoff
Or his head gets cut off.
To live, one must be smart as a foole.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS
If he can juggle books, we should appoint him treasurer.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
He works for the Grasshoppers during the baseball season.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Ready to test the trap door I had installed under the carpet?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Just imagine how good he'd be if his hat wasn't over his eyes.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Pretty good week this week - made the paper as a runner up, and 6 out of 7 captions, the limerick and the psychic entry made the top of the blog.
RUNNERS-UP
Do me a favor – whenever you go into our son’s room, could you just leave his model airplanes alone?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
Please, Tim, tell us you didn’t send the “Brewster Rockit” archive to NASA for safekeeping!
Ken Sheldon, Elon (This was in light of the fact that NASA lost or
recorded over the Apollo XI video tape)
BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
That blowing me dry bit might look romantic, but you
really could use some Tic Tacs.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Throw all the barrels you want. My boyfriend Mario
will still rescue me.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Get your stinking paws off me, you damned, dirty ape. Oops…sorry...wrong movie.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
If I see you with either that Watts chick or that bimbo named Lange again, I’ll take you for everything you’ve got, sure as my name is Fay Raye.
Ken Sheldon, Elon (Yes, I know I spelled Fay Wray's name wrong...)
BEST INSIDE JOKE
Well, I saw where Brewster Rockit had a Snuggie, and I just had to have one for myself.
Ken Sheldon, Elon (This one was really a second Psychic entry - it was
the only Inside Joke this week.)
BEST POEM
At reunions, the old friends he has got
Are all dressed to the nines with an ascot.
He’s an honored alum,
But his wife thinks it’s dumb
When he goes to those dressed as the mascot.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entry
Sorry, pal. In this neighborhood, we only take dollars, not bananas.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Not too bad this week - 2 of 5 captions in the top plus the limerick and psychic entry
PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the
cartoon even appeared)
I can’t believe it. Now PETA’s upset at the White House cleaning staff for killing bacteria.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
Just one more question, Mr. Favre. Are you going to retire now, or are you going to play one more year?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST INSIDE JOKE
I told you that you shouldn’t tell Rickard you didn’t like his cartoons, but did you listen?
Nooooooooooooo…
Ken Sheldon, Elon
And tell your friends too …
BEST POEM
Skippy thought he was going to be cool
And impress all the girls at his school.
He attempted a dive.
Now he’s barely alive
Since the water was drained from the pool.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Other Entries
You daft bloke! I knew you wanted to be more like your mummy, but this is ridiculous!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
So, NOW do you think you want to be like that guy in "Grizzly Man?"
Ken Sheldon, Elon
So, I take it you've been telling people you're giving bonuses out again at Goldman Sachs?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I didn't get as many captions in for this week's cartoon (only 5) because I knew there were many captions that would be repeated by others. And I was right. I did get one in the top along with the limerick and my psychic entry - of which I was rather proud of.
This week's limerick got mention in the paper again today:
I know I said I allow a lot of leeway in interpretation in my cartoons. I got several captions that made references to “This little piggy” or bacon, etc. Well, some things can’t be ignored and only captions about piggy banks or other monetary subjects were considered. Sorry. But cheer up! On the blog is another of Ken Sheldon’s clever limericks.
PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
“This just in from Atlanta. CNN has announced that it is changing its name to MJ-24-7 and is moving its headquarters to the Neverland Ranch.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon (I put this in a larger font, since it is in a larger font
on the blog. This is the first time I can recall this happening - I am wondering
if this could be a sign of agreement in my observation that CNN is covering
Michael Jackson way, way, waaaay too much!)
BEST INSIDE JOKE
No, you’re not like Winky. We’re all hollow and don’t have a spleen.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEM
Asked the pigs in their questions unending,
“There’s a term that we find so offending.
We’re so cute. Tell us why
Our lawmakers rely
On a thing they call ‘Pork-Barrel Spending.’”
“Well, they take all the taxes they rake in
From the wages that everyone’s makin’.
Money’s tacked to a bill,
A pet project’s fulfilled,
Then they tell folks they bring home the bacon.”
Ken Sheldon
Ken has single-handedly made this the best category in JOU
Other Entries
Yes, everyone's got this empty feeling, and it isn't about Michael Jackson.
You don't have to be scared about that big, bad Madoff anymore.
Ken Sheldon, Elon (Recalling the big, bad wolf with the three pigs)
Word of advice: when you see the kid with a hammer, run like hell!
Ken Sheldon, Elon (I liked this one - however, so did seven other submitters)
At one time, the family crest stood for "I Save." Lately, it has come to mean "I'm Screwed."
Ken Sheldon, Elon