The O2BIrish Christmas Special #5

JIM’s Dickens of a Christmas


‘Twas the night before Christmas, and through the estate,

A man was surveying how things were so great.

But something’s amiss, and I know that because

The man I am talking about’s JIM THE BOSS.


While walking the halls, he encountered a spirit.

He let out a yell so loud neighbors could hear it.

He wondered what phantom had caused him to jump.

The spirit he saw was his god, Donald Trump.


The Donald, JIM’s hero, barked, “Drop to your knees!”

JIM knelt and cried out, “I will do as you please!

But Master!” JIM wondered while scratching his head,

“I thought that a ghost meant that person was dead!”


“Don’t worry ‘bout that. Since I’m bringing a warning:

Three spirits will visit tonight before morning.”

As quick as he came, the ghost then disappeared.

JIM thought what he saw was incredibly weird.


He went up to bed, and he fell fast asleep.

He was roused by a crash and he yelled, “WHAT THE *BLEEP!?!*”

The first ghost appeared, and began to explain: 

'I come from the Donald.  Mad Hatter's the name.”


“For I am the ghost of your Christmases past.”

JIM stammered and gazed at the phantom aghast.

Mad Hatter continued, “I hear you’re like slime.

Who better than me for a voyage through time?”


So off the two flew, though JIM’s quite overweight

To his parents’ old home in the year ’58.

Saint Nick was there studying names on his list.

He shook his head slowly and silently hissed:


“For JIM, being naughty’s this kid’s twisted goal.

I’m leaving for him a whole sleighful of coal.”

JIM said that his motive was so crystal clear.

By bullying kids, he stayed warm for a year.


The two of them climbed in the ghost’s time machine.

They appeared at JIM’s house the year JIM turned sixteen.

In the window they looked. They saw JIM and his folks.

They watched as his father played one of his jokes.


They both observed JIM as he emptied his stocking,

And what they both saw you might say was quite shocking.

His father had done something really so wrong.

At the toe of the stocking, JIM found his first thong.


When JIM tried it on, the Mad Hatter got sick,

Tried poking his eyes with a hickory stick.

Then out in road there arose such a clatter.

There standing outside was a younger Mad Hatter.


To JIM, ‘twas the strangest thing he’d ever seen.

This Hatter looked like he was just seventeen.

He was covered in gift wrap from head to his toes

And the top of his head was adorned with a bow.


JIM told him,"To me you don’t look very pleasant.

Could you be the spirit of my Christmas present?

Don’t take things so lit’rally – that’s my advice.”

The Mad Hatter answered, “JIM, that is so wise.”


They climbed in the time machine, off they both flew

To a party in town where he saw his old crew.

JIM fired ev'ryone in the past year or three.

His old girlfriend was there, just as drunk as can be.


She told them all stories about her old beau.

She smiled and she said, “I’m sure you’d like to know

‘Tiny Jim’s what I call him since he left my house.

That’s his nickname because he is hung like a mouse.”


The partiers laughed and said they wouldn’t work

For that JIM THE BOSS guy. He is such a big jerk!

JIM thought, “All these peons are really short-sighted.”

But felt rather bad that he wasn’t invited.


A shinier time machine burst from the clouds

And a much older Mad Hatter shouted out loud,

“It is me that the masses are scared of the most!

For of Christmases Future, I now am the ghost!”


JIM sighed as they flew off some thirty years on

To a place with a gate that spelled out “Forest Lawn.”

The Mad Hatter showed him a massive black stone

In a corner in back set apart all alone.


On the stone in big letters so easy to see

Was the simple inscription of “JIM S.O.B.”

JIM said, “Those dumb stone cutters weren’t very bright!

Those idiots didn’t spell JIM THE BOSS right!”


Mad Hatter replied, “All the people you fired

Pitched in for this stone. This is what they desired.

This stone is immense; it’s the size of your casket.

The reason is this, just in case you should ask it:


“They want to avoid something all of them dread.

They want to make sure that you really are dead.

This stone will make sure that there isn’t a doubt

That if you should wake up, that you cannot get out.


“The stone cutters spelled out your name as they wished.”

JIM asked the ghost, "Why?” For the answer, he fished.

The Hatter replied, “They may think I’m a snitch:

But each one of them thinks you’re a Son of a…” “WAIT!


“Is there hope for me yet?” that mean JIM THE BOSS wailed.

“I’m an icon of business! It looks like I’ve failed!”

Mad Hatter replied, “It is all up to you.

If you think really hard, you will know what to do.”


So JIM thought, and he thought, and then thought a bit more.

(Some would say that for JIM THE BOSS, thinking’s a chore…)

Soon a grin, then a smile would appear on his face.



So they sped to the party as fast as can be,

And he flew like a flash past the stunned maitre d’.

JIM jumped on the stage, grabbed a mike from the band

And he started to speak after raising his hand.


“My dear friends, I admit that I’ve been quite a creep,

Hot headed, impatient, disgusting and cheep.

Tonight I have seen many sights that amaze,

And seen all the evil in my foolish ways.


“So I’m hiring each one of you back on this night

Because I’ve been enlightened and want to do right.

I'll pay this fine restaurant for hosting this fest

Because I failed to notice you guys are the BEST!”


All the partiers wondered, “Did JIM see the light?

Did a miracle happen this Christmas Eve night?

He looks so enlightened! It seems very strange!

Well, maybe that S.O.B. JIM THE BOSS changed!”


Soon a cheer was erupting throughout the huge hall

They all wished to return, both the big and the small.

Then the Hatter and JIM left to pay as he said

And then to the mansion the both of them sped.


At the door the Mad Hatter shook JIM’s outstretched hand

And said, “JIM, I am glad that you now understand.”

JIM replied, “Oh, Mad Hatter, it’s easy to see:

‘Twas a gift to my fav’rite recipient: ME!


Since I hired them all back, they will start on probation.

That’s working six months with no hope of vacation.

I’ve got a whole bunch that I don’t have to train,

And the instant they mess up, I’ll fire them again!”


Mad Hatter looked scared watching JIM as he laughed

And he turned and he ran to his time machine craft.

He thought to himself, “This is really a cinch:

He is out-Scrooging Scrooge! He's out-Grinching the Grinch!


"Now I have to get back to those folks at the feast

And warn them to run from this management beast.”

So off Hatter flew in an impatient mood

To make sure that those partiers would not get screwed.


And thus ends my story. It pays to be wary

Since even at Christmas time, some things are scary.

My wish is your future won’t be very grim,

And hope that you’re never stuck working for JIM.