The O2BIrish Christmas Special

How Jim The Boss Stole Christmas...almost...
by O2BIrish
(with apologies to Dr. Seuss)

Everyone in the office liked Christmas a lot...
JIM THE BOSS in the management suite sure did not!
That JIM hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season.
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

Some said he was dropped on his head as a child.
Some said he was raised by some wolves in the wild.
These theories about him were spoken at work.
The favorite was simply that JIM was a jerk.

No matter, the season could not make him laugh.
He stood in his door just observing the staff.
They hung lots of tinsel and put up a tree
And some big Christmas wreaths for the others to see.

They would hang up some stockings, expecting some day
They'd be filled with some coupons for free Chick-fil-A.
They'll be bringing in cookies and candy and cake
And anything else from their holiday bake.

They'll wear ugly sweaters, the Christmas-y kind
And laugh at each one like they're out of their mind.
They'll go to a party some evening. It's where
The staff gets together with nary a care.

It is catered each year, and it would not be beat.
They will eat, and they'll eat, and they'll EAT! EAT! EAT! EAT!
JIM stared at them all and he started to think
That they'll drink! And they'll drink! And they'll DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!

He observed, "I am liking the way this thing sounds.
Since with all this beer flowing, they might come around.
I'll show up at their party. Mix in, I will try.
And perhaps they will see I'm a really nice guy.

"I must still find a way to be hid from their eyes.
I will rent me a Santa suit, go in disguise.
I'll go to the party store. Now I must go.
On the way, I will work on my Santa "Ho! Ho!"

On the day of the party, around five P.M.
The staff had excitement flow over in them.
They left really quickly to drive to the feast.
JIM put on the Santa suit that he had leased.

He got to the party all dressed in his suit
With the fluffy red coat and the shiny, black boots.
He wandered around, with the partiers mingled
As bells on the venue's wall joyfully jingled.

He moved through the room - to each side he would go.
He went to each person, and laughed, "HO! HO! HO!"
He laughed with the clerks, with the mailroom staff
To the waitresses, and one soon observed with a laugh,

"I remember that voice! Yes, that voice I sure know!
I remember that day that I heard him say 'HO!'
It was down at the club where I worked every week.
It's that JIM THE BOSS guy, sure as my name's Moanique!!!"

It seems at the club one night JIM thought it's funny
To fill her G-string with Monopoly money.
She told him off, after which JIM called her "HO,"
So his voice she'd remember. Yeah, he's got to go.

Then she thought such a thought, and with really good reason.
Why not have some fun with him - stay with the season.
She got a few guys who were there for the party
And planned her revenge! "I'll get back at that smarty!!!"

She went up to JIM and she turned on her charm
And said, "Hey there, big stuff!" as she reached for his arm.
"I love guys like you who can spread Christmas cheer.
Would you mind it at all if I brought you a beer?"

But instead of just one, she would bring quite a few,
And JIM just kept drinking each cold malty brew.
Like Heineken, Coors, Michelob and Bud Light.
Refusing them, well, that just wouldn't be right.

And then as JIM's eyes got a glaze in his head,
Moanique started pushing the liquor instead.
In the end, by the time JIM THE BOSS tried to feel her,
She finished him off with three shots of tequila.

While JIM was passed out from the booze's effects,
Moanique and the guys started planning what's next.
They'd post lots of pictures where things are discussed
Like on Facebook and Reddit, LinkedIn and GPlus.

And maybe the place that's the cruelest place yet,
They also could post them at work's intranet.
So off they all went on this sick little journey.
It looked like a scene that's from "Weekend At Bernie's."

The two guys would drag JIM from table to table
As long as they could, and as long as they're able.
They took loads of pictures, and when they were done,
They logged in on line, and uploaded each one.

They then realized he's in no shape to drive.
Though they don't like the guy, he must still stay alive.
First they thought they could rent him a room for the night,
But they figured he'd probably wind up in some fight.

So they thought and they thought - what to do with this goober.
They had an idea. Let's get him an Uber!
"What's his address? We haven't a clue!" they'd lament
So the nearest police station's where he was sent.

"When JIM's in this state he can be really scary,
We'll treat him like Otis, the guy from Mayberry."
The guys went inside to the party once more,
Moanique went to serving the gang on the floor.

In working with people, Moanique was the master
At making sure JIM wouldn't cause a disaster.
Will JIM make it through this once he has dried out?
I am sure that he will - there is nary a doubt.

But for Moanique's assistants, who knows what they'll do
Before they get transferred to West Timbuktu?
May you all have safe travels wherever you'll go,
And don't ever call Moanique or Babmbi a "HO!"

Merry Christmas* to all the Shark Tank readers and blog posters from O2BIrish

* or whatever your chosen holiday is...