A Visit From St. Nicholas

(As told by JIM THE BOSS)

by O2BIrish

‘TWAS THE NIGHT AFTER FESTIVUS, I’M IN CONTROL.
WON THE FEAT OF STRENGTH FIGHT BY THE FESTIVUS POLE.
THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN LAST NIGHT, OF THAT THERE’S NO DOUBT
I NEEDED THAT LONG TO AIR GRIEVANCES OUT.

MY NANNIES HAVE PUT ALL MY CHILDREN TO BED.
I DON’T HAVE A WORRY ‘BOUT WHAT’S IN THEIR HEADS.
THEY NEVER MADE OUT ANY LAME CHRISTMAS LISTS.
THEY DON’T KNOW THAT SANTA CLAUS EVEN EXISTS. 

I FIRST GOT A HINT LOOKING ON THE FRONT LAWN
WHEN I TURNED AND I SAW THAT THE MOTION LIGHT’S ON
A DISTURBANCE OUTSIDE! WHAT ON EARTH COULD IT BE?
SO I RAN TO THE WINDOW TO GO LOOK AND SEE.

AS I SCANNED THE ESTATE, IT AT FIRST LOOKED SERENE
WITH MY POOLS OF DEEP BLUE AND MY GARDENS OF GREEN. 
THEN A SOUND ON THE ROOF MADE ME THINK “WHAT THE HEY!”
I THEN RAN OUTSIDE AND I SAW A RED SLEIGH.

THERE WERE SACKS FULL OF GIFTS TUCKED AWAY IN THE REAR
ON THE FRONT ALL HITCHED UP WERE A STRANGE KIND OF DEER.
THERE WERE NINE ALL TOGETHER. THEY ALL LOOKED THE SAME.
AND EACH ONE HAD A COLLAR INSCRIBED WITH A NAME.

THERE’S DASHER AND DANCER AND PRANCER AND VIXEN
AND COMET AND CUPID AND DONDER AND BLITZEN.
THE ONE IN THE FRONT WAS CALLED RUDOLPH, IT SAID.
HE MUST BE A DRUNK, ‘CAUSE HIS NOSE WAS BRIGHT RED.

I WONDERED OUT LOUD, “I’VE GOT DEER ON MY ROOF?
DOES EACH ONE HAVE SOME WINGS ON EACH POINTY BROWN HOOF?”
I THOUGHT THAT I MAYBE GOT REALLY QUITE GREASED
FROM THE BEVERAGES SERVED AT THAT FESTIVUS FEAST.

I REALIZED SOON THAT I COULDN’T BE RIGHT
SINCE THAT FEAST AND THE BOOZE, THEY WERE BOTH FROM LAST NIGHT.
I WAS SOBER! COULD SOMEONE THEN PLEASE TELL ME WHY 
ON MY ROOF WAS SOMEBODY! SOME SHORT LITTLE GUY!

HE WAS DRESSED ALL IN FUR. NOW TODAY THAT’S QUITE WEIRD.
HE HAD COOKIE CRUMBS STUCK IN HIS SNOWY WHITE BEARD.
HE WAS PORTLY AND STOUT. HE WAS REALLY QUITE ROUND.
WITH A SACK TO MY CHIMNEY HE QUICKLY WAS BOUND.

“INTRUDER ALERT!” I THEN WENT QUITE BERZERK.
“I’LL TAKE CARE OF THIS LOSER!” I SAID WITH A SMIRK.
I RAN TO MY FIREPLACE, LIT A QUICK FIRE
AND THREW ON SOME GAS, MADE THE FLAMES GO MUCH HIGHER

WHEN THAT RUNT MADE IT DOWN, HE WAS SOON SET AFLAME.
“YOU’RE BREAKING AND ENTERING!” I WOULD EXCLAIM.
I CALLED UP THE COPS, AND THEY TOOK HIM AWAY.
NOW WHAT COULD I DO THAT THOSE DEER AND THAT SLEIGH?

OLD LADIES ARE PEOPLE I REALLY DESPISE
THOSE DEER, I COULD TRAIN THEM TO BRING THEIR DEMISE.
EACH GRANDMA WITH WIGS COLORED SILVER AND BLUE
MY DEER WOULD RUN OVER. YES, THAT’S WHAT I’LL DO!

THE SLEIGH GOES ON CRAIGSLIST. I’LL POST TO THE THRONGS.
A TRADE I COULD MAKE FOR A WHOLE BUNCH OF THONGS!
MY KIDS WILL BE HAPPY WITH ALL THOSE FREE TOYS,
AND I DON’T REALLY CARE ABOUT WHO THIS ANNOYS.

‘TWAS A NIGHT TO REMEMBER. IT BROUGHT ME MUCH CHEER.
I’M MAKING MY PLANS TO REPEAT THIS NEXT YEAR.
IN THE MEAN TIME, I’VE ONLY ONE TASK LEFT TO DO:
“HAPPY FESTIVUS FEAST! HAPPY HOLIDAYS TOO!”