The 2017 O2BIrish Christmas Special

JIM Goes Home for the Holidays

It’s the week before Christmas, a week that some dread.
With so many things that will mess with your head.
The parties and shopping for mom and for dad,
And holiday songs that could drive someone mad.

And to drive in December is really a bummer.
(Except for the Aussies, they’re just starting summer.)
At this time of the year when most families roam,
JIM THE BOSS has been dreading his yearly trip home.

When the notice went out of his PTO days,
The whole comp’ny burst out and they shouted “Hurrays.”
A committee was formed on that very same day
For the party they’d throw the whole week he’s away.

Those requests for days off his employees had filed?
They threw them all out, for this party so wild.
They thought, “Hey, my fam’ly I see every year,
But to work without JIM? That’s so rare and so dear!”

While this planning went on, JIM prepared for his trip.
He had to leave home all his thumb screws and whips.
Devices of torture would not be required,
Since unlike employees, kin cannot be fired.

He’s unable to fly. One would think he’d insist.
But he can’t - he’s on everyone’s Do Not Fly list.
JIM loaded the car, plugged his GPS in
Which would give him directions through thick and through thin.

He heard all the orders the GPS gave
Just like he’d expect from employees, er, slaves.
And while JIM was driving, he had to recall
Each poster that hung on his old bedroom wall.

The Riddler, the Joker, the Penguin, King Tut
And Catwoman (JIM liked to look at her butt!)
Lex Luthor, Metallo and also the Toyman
And Brainiac all gave to JIM much enjoyment.

Chameleon, Sandman and Venom and Vulture
And Wile E. Coyote – you know: evil culture.
And as he recalled all his walls in his head,
He tuned out directions the GPS said.

Though Arkansas bound through the snow and the rain,
He spotted a sign that said, “Welcome to Maine.”
The car he turned into the next parking lot
And he thought his reunion with fam’ly was shot.

When out of the sky, what did swiftly appear
But a sleigh filled with toys being pulled by some deer.
JIM was amazed! This was such a surprise.
Could he really be seeing this scene with his eyes?

Could it be someone saving that cad JIM THE BOSS?
‘Twas that elf who’s both jolly and wise, Santa Claus!
JIM asked of Saint Nick, “With my last year’s kerfuffle,
Just why would you help me when I am in trouble?”

Nick said, “You are missing your fam’ly so dear.
By not heeding directions, you’ve wound up right here.
I’ll admit that last year, a huge risk I did take.
For making you Santa was quite a mistake.

“But I know a way I can make things alright
Without driving your car both all day and all night.
Click you heels three times in this no passing zone,
And repeat after me: ‘There is no place like home.’”

JIM looked back at Santa, his face looking bossy,
“Isn’t that just a little bit ‘Wizard of Oz-zy?’”
Saint Nick said, “I’ve witnessed your great fear of heights.
Just do what I say, and you’ll get home tonight.”

JIM did what was told and as quick as a blinker
He whooshed to the land of the great golden sphincter.
JIM greeted his fam’ly, the young and the old,
And this story of how he got there he retold.

They opened their presents and had quite the feast.
And just like the Grinch, JIM would carve the roast beast.
And back up in Maine, Santa thought a new thought.
“I ought to keep tabs on that JIM. Yes, I ought.

“Like the ‘elf of the shelf’ kept on shelves oh, so high.
Down at JIM’s I’m installing the ‘Spy in the Tie.’
A camera so small near his chest that’s so hairy,
I’ll see when he does things disgusting and scary.”

So off Santa flew in his reindeer pulled sleigh
Knowing he earned his Karma points big on that day.
And JIM, with this good luck in which he should bask,
Will he change in his ways? Nah, that’s too much to ask…

To the readers from Maine to way past California:
Advice I will give – don’t say I didn’t warn ya.
By working together, you’ll reach every goal
And your stockings you hang won’t be filled up with coal.

Merry/Happy Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Festivus to the readers of the Shark Tank from O2BIrish